I've met someone stupid!

I just met someone who has stupid moments too!
Well, actually I've met him before...
Anyway, I told him about my stupid moment and he did not even understand why it was stupid!
I guess no matter how stupid I can be sometimes... it could always be worse!
Thank you Ahmed Dabbousi for making me feel not so stupid!

Flowers, chocolate, and perfection...

Flowers and chocolate always make a girl happy.
Always!!

I had a pretty shitty weekend. I locked myself in my room. I turned my phone off. I did not want to talk to anyone. I did not want to see anyone. I wanted to hide from the world.
I had too much on my shoulders and I was not strong enough to carry the weight of it all. I fell....
I could not deal with everything going on in my life. I try to act strong.. but I am not.

The perfect guy (the one I write about a lot) picked me up for lunch. He had the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. He had chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate...

I am not sure if he knows it or not.. but he is always enough to make me smile... but the chocolate and flowers were a great added bonus!

The flowers are on my desk. They fill my room with their scent. Everytime I see the flowers or smell the flowers I smile.
I smile because the flowers are perfect.

I smile because he is perfect.

Sometimes I am stupid!

I was driving and the car in front of me was slow. Excruciatingly slow. I start flashing my headlights to warn them I will pass.
I decide to honk the horn as a double measure...

Why did I honk?
Because I realized that if the driver was blind he would not see the headlights flashing.
(I swear that was the real thought that crossed my mind as I decided to honk.)

I want to know if I am the only person who has moments where they are just stupid?? Moments where their brain has gone to bed before they have?

Measuring up...

What really matters to a person? What is the bigger picture we see? I know the things I want most in a person are the things I hate most in myself. The things I require of those around me are an intricate mix of qualities that I despise in myself and in people close to me. The degree that I hate it dictates it's place on my list of priorities.
It is scary that I measure people against a list of criteria created from hate. Is it fair to expect what I myself cannot give? Is it fair to want only what I cannot be?
Do I only want what I am not? Or do I have a whole other list of criteria that people must measure up to because I measure up to this list?
Do I want what I am and what I am not?
Is this fair?
Am I greedy?
WHy am I so scared that I found someone who is all that I am and all that I am not?
Why does that scare me so much??
Am I scared of this perfection? Why do I want to run and hide from perfection? Why do I want to run and hide from him?
I hope he doesn't let me run and hide!

Perfection...

I always thought that you never get everything. You always have to sacrifice. I felt smarter and more enlightened than those around me because I knew the secret to happiness. An acceptance of the fact that we must be willing to sacrifice is the secret to happiness. I thought that perfection was seen only after you find, acknowledge, and finally ignore the flaws. Sometimes, I would secretly resent movies for making me believe that perfection happens. Luckily I found the secret.... accepting sacrifice leads to happiness.
I was stupid!
I was selling myself short.

I met a perfect guy!

He is the kind of guy who can make me feel like the most special girl in the world without lying to me.
He can prove me wrong without upsetting me.
He can be around millions of other girls without making me feel insecure.
He can always make me smile no matter how shitty I feel.
He can tell me to do something without controlling me.
He makes me feel special without being near me.
He can appreciate the beauty of other women and not make me feel jealous because he makes me feel secure!
He can be such a large part of my life without smothering me.
He can disagree with me and not belittle my opinions.
He can meet 20 people for the first time and leave them all with the unanimous impression that he is a great guy.
He can be brutally honest and make it not brutal at all.
He can let me be independent when I need to be and he is right there when I need to depend on someone.
He can protect me and make me feel safe in this not so safe harsh world.
He can understand me better than I understand myself sometimes.
He can tease me and never make the smile leave my face.
He can keep his adorable boyish charm, but at the same time be more of a man than most others I have met.
He can say the sweetest things that leave me smiling and giggling all day and night.

I am happy..... and I am not sacrificing anything!

Tarot Cards

I think it is actually pretty accurate...

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Lies...

Sometimes we lie to ourselves. Lying protects us from seeing ourselves in a negative light. Lying sometimes makes us feel more accepted, more popular, more desired, more needed... and myriad other "mores".
There are other reasons we lie too.
Sometimes we lie to ourselves telling ourselves that we don't like a person. We'll lie and try our hardest to believe it. We'll act like all these feelings are nothing.
We are so afraid of these feelings that we lie.
We are so afraid of letting another person into our safe world that we lie.
We are so afraid of being hurt that we lie.
Lying is our safety net. We can't let go of ourselves completely so we lie.
Most people can lie to themselves so well that they do not realize that they are lying.
I think I lie to myself quite a bit. I sometimes joke about being delusional... but I really am.

I made myself believe that my feelings for him weren't as strong as they really were. I was lying because I was worried that his feelings weren't very strong. I was scared of admitting my feelings and letting him in. I was scared of letting him hurt me. I was scared of letting him have the power to hurt me. I was lying to myself.... I decided that I will stop lying to myself.

I like him a lot more than I let on.

He really does have the power to hurt me. I am not scared though, I have faith in him.

I love and hate tuna!!!

A random memory/thought...

I realized that I actually like the taste of tuna sandwiches... but I hate tuna sandwiches.
It is really weird and random.. and I actually don't know why I am telling you about this. I was thinking about this and I remembered something.
I was about 11 years old. My parents were going through a bitter divorce. My world was turned upside down and my heart was broken. My mom was in the hospital having surgery so my younger brother and I were left alone. We were staying home alone most of the time. I was 11 and he was 8. I was a very sheltered child and this was too much for me. Taking care of my brother, my schoolwork, my brother's school work, and my mom in the hospital was too much for me when I was 11.
I did not know how to do anything.
I remember trying to make tuna sandwiches for my brother and I. I opened the can of tuna, dumped it into a bowl. Threw some mayonaisse into the bowl, and then put on top of the bread.
I did not know that you were supposed to drain it. I really had no idea. So.. it was full of that oily water. When I put it onto the bread it just soaked the bread.
I remember crying in the kitchen because I wanted my brother to eat and I fucked up the sandwiches. I remember crying alone in the kitchen because tuna tasted so much better when my mom made it!

I think I hate tuna so much because to me it represents a time when my world was falling apart and my heart was breaking.

The Five factor Value Test

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You value loyalty highly. You're completely devoted to your friends and family. Even if they totally screw up, you're still there for them. Just make sure they're equally loyal to you! Honesty: You don't really value honesty. You do value getting your way, no matter what. And if a little lying is required to do that, no problem. A few white lies never hurt anyone (at least, that's what you tell yourself!) Generosity: You value generosity highly. So much so that you often put your own needs last. There's nothing wrong with having a caring heart... But you may want to rethink your "open wallet" policy. Humility: You value humility a fair amount. You tend to be an easy going, humble person. But occasionally your ego takes over. You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best. Tolerance: You value tolerance highly. Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you... You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends. You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test