My Dilemma....
What is failure?
If you had to define failure what would you say?
Would it be to not try something you want because you are scared?
Would you say to try something and not get it right?
Would it mean to give up?
Failure has been on my mind a lot.
Work has become horrible. Yesterday I could not take it anymore... and I quit. I could not handle anything. It was a horrible feeling. I felt like everything was wrong and there was nothing I could do. I wanted to do so much, but I felt like my hands were tied. I wanted to say so much, but I was mute.
It hurt.. and it scared me.
I was scared that I wanted to run away. I was scared that I did not know if running away was failing or if it was preserving my self-respect.
I did not know if it was the right thing to do....
Everybody at work was trying to talk me into staying. They were saying all the things that I probably wanted to hear at some point earlier in the year.
I left work and thought about it. Thought about everything. I vented...
I love teaching.. and I enjoy it so much. I love my students.. but for the first time that was not enough. I feel helpless and that scares me. I feel like I cannot give everything that I want to. I feel like I am not giving enough. I feel like I am not able to impact them as much as I want to. I feel like I cannot protect the children that I love, the children that need me to protect them.
So, when being there hurts me so much for so many reasons.. should I go? Is that selfish? Should I stay, even though it hurts?
If I leave because it is not what I bargained for, is that failing.
Am I running away because I am scared?
Should I stay?
Should I go?
This is my dilemma......
posted by Nora @ 12:39 AM
14 Comments:
Well gorgeous somehow your dilemma hits close to home!
Nora, I have the pleasure to see how much you truly love and enjoy teaching on a daily basis. The students that you deal with everyday appreciate the warmth, immeasurable care and support that you show them. I personally need to say thanks for the balance you try so hard to implement in my workaholic lifestyle. You are not a failure by any means. I love you Homie G!
You're not the only one who resigned this year, remember? I resigned twice and still stayed. Even after leaving, well, not returning from the US, I returned. I feel like a failure at times too.
You may seem like a failure, but I see the positive impact you have on your students, especially my daughter, Mira. She loves you and so do I! Also, you have an incredibly positive impact on your colleagues. I was told by the Social Studies Supervisor (you know who) that you are probably the best teacher in the school who has her act together. I swear to this comment because he always speaks his mind and is never at a loss for words.
Just remember, no matter what you decide, you have made an impact -- but don't go! It's all down hill from here, habibty. June is almost here in terms of the school year, and the "psycho parents" can only go postal once in awhile.
I love you! Marian
:o(
mish fahma...
What does it say?
No, it's not quitting.
It's called, "I've had enough and I want to do MORE with my life. My time here's done".
I think it's a smart move, Nora.
hey...
it's not quitting because life is about going from one place to another and changing constantly... If you've stayed there and were too afraid to leave even though u didn't like it anymore... just for the sake of not leaving.. that's failure.... remember.. for every door that closes there is another one that will be opened :)
Hey what's up? Haven't seen you on my blog lately. You're not depressed are ya?
Shahira: Love you too beautiful! Thanks for what you said. It made me feel better.. maybe because I know you are bitchy enough to tell me otherwise ;oP
Marian: Thank you! I really hope that I am impacting them... students and colleagues alike. I know that parents go postal once in a while, but sometimes it can be too much... I am sure you know what I mean because you deal with the same postal parents. ;o
Love you too!
The comment that I left was for a different blog, I guess I should not try to comment on more than 1 blog at one time... ;o)
Italiano:
I don't really know if I agree. It is not about doing more with my life because I think that teaching is very fulfilling. I enjoy it and love it. The feeling that you can impact, mold, and develop people is amazing. I love feeling that way. I ove thinking that maybe I can teach one of these kids something that will make his life easier or better.. So, it is not about doing more...
I am just not sure if I am running away from the crappy side of responsibility, or if it is more than just the crappy side. If it is running away from the bad part of responsibility than I am just immature. If it is more than the crappy side than I should not stand for it and leaving would be preserving my self respect...
That is my dilemma.. I am not sure what I am running from..
Lonely Twin:
Well, it is quitting regardless.. but is it failure?
Life is about change and constant motion.. but should I do it in the middle of the year. In the middle of my contratc because it has just become too much? Is that life? Running away from commitment and responsibilty?
Is this running away uslan?
That is my problem.. I can argue for both sides.. The whole issue is a grey area to me.
My other problem is that the doors are already open. I have a few job offers now.. and that might play into the fact that I do not know what to do...
Ahh, to explain would need a lot of time and a lot of analysis! I'll spare you...
Italiano said...
Hey what's up? Haven't seen you on my blog lately. You're not depressed are ya?
Hehehehehhe..
Italiano missed me!!
Italiano worries about me! ;o)
Seriously, I'm not depressed. I am just normally very busy and very tired... So I do not get online a lot during the week.
Other than that, I checked ur blog and you've only posted the picture of you.. I refused to say you look cute or hot or anything. Wouldn't want to feed the ego babe.. So, I could have been sarcastic.. but I decided against that also.. wouldn't want to offend you!
So.. are you going to tell me why you are "weird"?
Well, here's the thing. Since last year I've been wanting to quit my job myself. I wanted to do something that 1. I like doing and wouldn't mind doing forever 2. Have control over, away from the narrow minded idiots out there (I'm sick. I know) 3. Religious wise, I wasn't so sure about doing what I currently do.
From what I read and felt, the people you work with already respect you and love you; not to mention the kids of course. If you ask me, teaching could be the noblest profession in the world. It takes a special person to do it. I know I can't. I don't do well with kids. If the reason you're leaving is because of the schooling system that doesn't care or the negligent self centered parents, then you must remember that if you can't save five kids in a class of 15, there are still 10 that you could help define themselves as they grow up.
But then again, as much as one should care about the others's well being, one shouldn't neglect him/herself. i.e if you have something better to do, then go ahead and do it and I'm pretty sure that you won't fail at that. If you don't have that "something better" in perspective, then yes.. leaving would be failing. It'd be failing because you'd be giving up on what you think is best. That's only what I think. I could be wrong... and I'm not saying that to put you down. I'm only saying it because I know that sometimes, when dilemmas happen, a person needs a shove to notice certain things.
I'm not going to pretend that I know everything about your job, cos I don't. I so know that Egypt isn't easy, but it takes a strong person to stand out, don't you think? ;)
In the end, it's your decision to make... and I hope that all ends well on your side. :)
Ragin:
Thanks for the comment. I also think that teaching can be quite noble...
I like the way you think. So, if I get a better job offer it is ok to ditch my students?
Nora,
you're making it sound like we're in a battlefield and you're given a choice whether to get on a rescue chopper and save yourself only or to go back for your men. :P
The choice is always yours and you won't be called a coward if you didn't know where your men were located on the battlefield.
You do know that you can't save everybody don't you?
The choice is always yours girl ;) and no matter what it is.. you won't be blamed... so take it easy on yourself.
Ragin:
Ok, I admit that I am probably making this seem really big..
I guess I am known for making the wrong decision.. and I want to try to change that. I always just decide quickly and don't think things through and inevitably regret follows..
Other than that, I think that this decision will either make me feel selfish, like I am not thinking things through, like I cannot make a decision, or just too scared to go...
Every single one of those feelings scares me. So, I guess I am just thinking a lot and make a big deal over what seems to be nothing because the repercussions are all ones I would not want to live with...
;o)
Anyway, thanks beautiful! My drama queen battlefield posts are over...
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