Hind sight is 20/20

My relationship with my father is different. At the high point of our relationship it would be described as rocky. It would be considered unstable. I hated my relationship with him. I hated the fact that I loved him so much. I hated that I wanted to hate him but I was not able to. I wanted to hate him because he hurt me so much. I wanted to hate so that he could not hurt me anymore.
I could not hate him.
I love him so much.
I continued to try to make him proud.
I continued to try to please him.
I continued to try to be the perfect daughter.
I continued to jump through the hoops.
I continued to walk on the eggshells.

I just wanted him to notice me.
I just wanted him to make me feel like I am everything to him. I just wanted him to let me know he cared.

Since I moved back to Egypt and became a teacher I have changed my perspective on many things. I have changed my opinions about many things. I do not know if teaching has brought me more into the real world than I was before… or if it was just time to grow up. Whatever it was, I see things differently now.
I also see my father differently now. I see my relationship with him differently. I think that he was trying to show he cared in his own Egyptian way. I think I was blind to his attempts. I think that he did do many things that either I could not, or chose not to see. My father acted like many of the parents that I see nowadays at work. I do not know if I am just giving him one more excuse or if I finally understand.. but maybe my father was just too Egyptian and I was just too American.
I expected him to show that he cared and that I was important according to my American standards… and maybe he was showing me all this according to what he knew, according to his Egyptian standards. Maybe he was expecting me to be the perfect Egyptian daughter.. and I was trying to be the perfect American daughter. We were both trying hard… but not trying for what the other wanted. We did not try to see things through each other's eyes. We looked through our own eyes, and we disappointed ourselves.
Both of us becoming frustrated with the other we pushed each other away. We continued to grow farther apart until we could no longer see the other person. We pushed until we were hurt. I pushed until I was numb. I said things only to hurt him, to get him back for hurting me so much. I said things trying to wake him up…. never realizing that he was awake and trying.

Sometimes realizing that you were wrong is hard. Realizing that if you could have seen clearly life could have been so much better.
I guess hind sight is 20/20.

I wish that my father and I were able to understand each other a bit more. I wish that we were a little more alike. I wish that I understood him before I judged him.

I am happy that I am trying now. I hope that I am right, I hope that he was trying and I just did not see. I hope that he was a great father and I was too harsh on him.

I hope he knows I love him….. with all my heart.