A big emotional roller coaster

This weekend was one big emotional roller coaster. I was stuck, I could not excape it. The only thing I could do was buckle up, stick my hands in the air and scream!

My morning started off with me waking up at 7 am. I got up, did some work, cleaned my room. By 10 am I was dressed and in the street. I had to be in Mohandessien at 11. As I am parking my car I run into an old friend. This friend and I used to be close. We used to hang out all the time. I loved being with him. He was always a gentleman. He acted like my knight in shining armor. He did everything that the perfect guy does in the romantic movies. He held the door open, he would open my door, he always brought flowers.... he was the perfect character in a movie. Things were going great... until he told me he wanted to marry me. I freaked! I ran. We have not seen each other in years. He hated me for running. I hated myself for freaking out.
Today as I spoke to him I could see that he was still hurt. I could see a look in his eyes that was not there before. I felt horrible. I never wanted to hurt him. I could not handle it. I felt so bad all day.
After I finished in Mohandessien I had to come back to Heliopolis. I had to pick my grandmother up to take he to run some errands. I get home and I end up waiting 2 hours for her to be ready. I had a lot to do today and this was upsetting me. My grandmother and I do not agree on almost everything. Most of the time I try to shut up when she says something that bothers me.. but today the shit mood I was in did not allow me to let anything slide. I said that I was upset. I told her whenever I disagreed with what she said. I told her when she said things in a way that upset me. I did not let anything slide.
After she finishes getting everything ready we are off to a place called Hawamdaya. It took us about an hour and a half to get there. An hour through the drive my grandmother starts apologizing to me for what she said.. She started explaining to me that she is old fashioned and she still thinks the way she used to when she was a teenager. She apologized to me for that because I was upset. She apologized to me for the way she thinks....
I felt more like shit. I knew at that moment that I was the meanest and worst person on the face of this Earth. I felt so bad it seemed like the wind had been knocked out of me. I could not believe that I could be such a bitch. I wanted to cry!
So.. I apologize and keep explaining that she should never apologize for the way she thinks. That she should think in her own way and that I will accept it. That she is my grandmother and has to be old fashioned.. that is what grandmothers are for.
So.. I drive and I feel like crap. I feel so selfish.
We arrive to Hawamdaya. This is a small town on the outskirts of Cairo. It is a very poor area. We were going to visit a family of orphans. A family that has a very hard life to lead.
Seeing their house hurt me. Seeing the place that they call home was so hard for me to deal with. Seeing the houses and buildings that they looked at day in and day out hurt me. Imagining what their lives are like scared me.
For a 3rd time today I felt horrible... I felt selfish. I needed someone to burst the bubble I was living in.
They were so happy that I was there. They were so kind and generous. I was humbled by their generosity. I was happy that I went. I had an amazing time sitting with them and playing with the kids. I had this weird mix of good and bad feelings. I was so happy and at the same time I was heart broken.
After that I drop my grandmother off in Heliopolis again and I set off to Maadi. I hung out in Maadi for a while and I head home.
I stop at the supermarket that is next to my house. As I am shopping I run into the mother of the love of my life. The mother of my first boyfriend. We exchange pleasantries. I have run into her before. It is always awkward because she likes me a lot and always tells me she thinks her son is an idiot for what happened. Years have passed and I have tried to forget him. I wish she would just let me forget. As we are talking he comes. I am in shock. This is the first time I have seen him since we broke up. I was so much in love with him. I wanted to give him everything. I wanted him to give me everything. I wanted forever with him. He is also the man who hurt me like no other person has ever hurt me. He left the biggest scar when he left. I struggled to heal. I struggled to forget him. I thought I did. When I saw him I realized that no one ever forgets their first love. I realized that my relationship with him will always be something perfect to me. We spoke. It was awkward.
I always pictured me seeing him and telling him how much he hurt me. I pictured me crying and telling him to make it better. Telling him to make me better.
When I saw him it was different. I did not want him to make anything better. I did not want him to know how much he hurt me then, and how I could feel the pain again. I just wanted him to get away because I could not breath. I was in such shock. The conversation seemed like it lasted forever.
It still does not make sense to me.
I never thought my reaction would be like that.
I never thought that I would remember so much.
I never thought I would be able to survive a chance encounter...