Worthy of worry?

I noticed something about myself... I am tough on myself and I blame it on my detest of drama. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want too much attention when things are not going so well.

A friend of mine read my last post and he called me to check up on me and on how I was doing. I was ok, but not completely ok. I felt alone and hollow inside. So, when he asked.. I told him I am fine. I told him it was not an emotional experience at all. He told me that I wrote that it was... I just stayed quiet. I think he knew I was hiding the fact that I was not ok...

My sister and brother call me regularly and ask me how I am after having seen a man get murdered. I always say that I am fine. That I barely think about it at all. Truth is, I do think about it. I see his face almost daily. I see his fear almost daily. I remember him if I am walking down a dark street. I remember the knife everytime I hear a noise in my building. I see his face at night in my dreams.
I never told my dad that I saw it. I just did not want to talk about it. I did not want him to worry about me. I tell my sister and brother that I am fine and I change the subject when they call. I just want to avoid having people worry about me.

My friends call me and ask me how my back is. I always say that it is ok. I rarely tell them that at times, after a long day, I feel excruciating pain. I rarely tell them that I have not been going out on the weekends because I am usually in too much pain. I can't sit down at work and when my boss asks me if I am ok, I always just say that I need to stretch my legs for a bit.

There is some freak that sent me some weird messages on facebook asking me about things that I had done that day. I don't know who he is. I asked him and he ignored my question. I am scared that this random guy that I don't know had followed me around. I am scared that he knew who I was. I am very paranoid these days. My tazer has been put back into my bag and I am always looking behind my shoulder. I feel uneasy most of the time... but if anyone asks me, I always say I am fine...

So, I just wonder why I do this? Is it just my detest of drama? Is it a deep and suppressed idea of not being worthy of peoples' concern? Do I feel I am not worthy of worry?
Is it all just low self esteem? Or is it strength and a desire to do things on my own. It is a desire to not lean on people so much and to stand on my own feet and handle shit?

Wasted relationship...

I did something I never thought I would do.
I stood up to my father.
I told him that I thought he failed as a father. I told him he was given six chances and he has screwed them up. I told him that he needs to wake up and try to do better.
I listened to his excuses, and I proved they were bullshit.
I told him that he needs to man it up and deal with life. I told him that he needs to seperate his problems from his being a father.
I told him that when you become a parent you are no longer allowed to run away from it all and hide. I told him that he has a responsibity and he needs to deal with it or admit failure and let someone else do his job.
I told him that I think he is weaker than I ever thought he was. I told him that I understand he is going through a lot of shit, but I still can't accept that as an excuse.
I told him that I don't see him capable of being my father in the sense that he will teach me anything... and that I am trying to think of some other way that I could consider him a father.
I told him that he broke me and crushed a lot of my thoughts, dreams, and hopes. I told him that I grew up thinking was an amazing person... but I came to realize he is lacking in too many areas...
I told him so much crap that hurt me.
I cried my eyes out as I said it to him.
He responded with his cold and aloof ways. I hated him then.
The next day he called to tell me that he will take my car to be fixed so that I do not have to deal with it.
Two days later he told me I could come pick up my car.
He was out with I friend. I met them at the restaurant. He hugged me and told me that what I said did affect him. He told me he loved me.
I started to tear up in the restaurant again.
I don't know if I cried because I wanted him to say that... or because deep inside my heart I felt it was too late.
I am not able to give this man anymore of myself. I am not able to view him or love him like I did before.
I cried because it is a wasted relationship...