Thursday, July 26, 2007

My Sister....

My sister and I were not as close as normal sisters are. We always had some layer of coldness or some uncrossable distance between us. I would always have my defenses ready when she was around.
I do not know why this was. She is a great person and an amazing sister to have.
I guess our relationship might have something to do with us not living together during our childhood. My sister moved to my dad's house when I was 10. I needed her to be with me. I did not want to be the oldest one.. and without her I was. Without her I had to deal with shit that I was not able to do....
15 years passed but our relationship did not change much.
For the past 2 years there has been a difference.

This summer more than ever. More than any other time that I spent with her....
This summer we are making some memories that make me smile as I look back on them... Memories that are making me forget the old bad memories I had.

This summer we are actually being sisters. Uggghh!! That sounded like something from Lifetime Television!

Ok.. well. Seriously. This vacation my sister and I are different. The dynamics of our relationship is different too. It is nice.

This reminds me of a long time ago. I was around 13. I was going through my rebelious phase. I was into music like Nirvana, Courtney Love, Juliana Hatfield 3, No Doubt... It was the beginning of my alternative phase.
I was talking to my sister. I told her there is this song that reminded me of her. I told her to listen to it. It was called My Sister by The Juliana Hatfield 3

She listened to the first few lines and got pissed and shut it off.

My sister... my sister... my sister.
I hate my sister, shes such a bitch.

She acts as if she doesnt even know that I exist.
But I would do anything to let her know I care.
But I am only talking to myself cos she isnt there.

My sister, I love my sister, shes the best.
Shes cooler than any other girl that I have ever met.
She had the greatest band, she had the greatest guy.
Shes good at everything and doesnt even try.
Shes got a wall around her nobody can climb.S
he lets her ladder down for those who really shine.
I tried to scale it, but to me shes blind.
So I lit a firecracker, went off in my eye.

I miss my sister, whyd she go ?
Shes the one who would have taken me
To my first all-ages show.
It was the violent femmes and the del fuegos,
Before they had a record out. before they went gold,
And started to grow.

I miss my sister. I miss my sister.I miss my sister.
I really miss her.

I just wanted to let her know that I missed her and I thought she was perfect. She just thought I was telling her that I hated her....
I am sure I will miss her when I leave. I will miss her waking me up hideously early to go get the Harry Potter book. Or convincing me to go to the midnight show so that we can be the first people to see the movie. I will miss painting kids furniture with her late at night. I will miss her taking me for rides in the car to calm me down and help me get all the bullshit into perspective.
I will miss a lot...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

About him.. part deux!

I do not know why. I woke up today and I was inspired to document what I like about him.
I really have no idea why. I know that it is not to see if my feelings are valid or if he is worthy.
I know that they are and that he is ;o)
But, I will try to freak him out a bit and write it here.. and put it out there for myself.. and for the rest of the world....
Inspired by a friend of mine.. I think it is only fair to write what I do not like about him also...

What I like...
1. He can give me directions to anywhere in Cairo. He gives the best directions out of all the people I know.
2. He tells me what time we will meet according to actual time, and "my time".
3. He is funny.
4. He is sarcastic.
5. He has kick ass taste in music.
6. He has this boyish charm.
7. His brutal honesty is not very brutal.
8. He is a very nice guy inside.
9. He understands that there are other guys somehow in my life, that will not like reading something like this, and that still has not scared him away. And he knows they are bigger than he is!
10. He can admit when he is wrong.
11. He is willing to make things up to you when he is wrong! ;o)
12. He is starting to learn when to lie to me.
13. Sometimes, I cannot get mad at him, no matter how hard I try.
14. He is honest and will always tell you how it is.
15. Sometimes I catch him doing really sweet things that he would never tell me about. And somehow the fact that he is not doing them for me to know about is so much nicer than him telling me.
16. He can be extremely romantic sometimes.
17. He got me medicine when I was sick.
18. He surprised me today by being so much nicer than I thought. He surprises me a lot.
19. He is patient when I am driving him crazy.
20. He is understanding.
21. He puts a lot of effort into solving problems we face.
22. He is very caring.
23. He can always make me feel better.
24. I feel comfortable with him.
25. He is kind to waiters.
26. He makes me feel beautiful, even when I feel I am not.
27. Sometimes he looks at me and makes me feel that the world is perfect.
28. He makes me feel like I am the most important thing to him.. sometimes.
29. He can romantacise anything.

Things I do not like.....
1. He does not know all the times he should lie to me.
2. Sometimes, I cannot get mad at him.. no matter how hard I try! :o)
3. He has made "butchering a moment" into an art form.
4. He has realized that I am extremely tickle-ish!
5. Sometimes he doesn't realize how sensitive I am. And how hurt I can be at times.
6. He can be in a shit mood sometimes and hide from the world. And it kills me because I want nothing more than to try to make everything better.

Love...

What is it? What does it mean to be in love?

Does it really exist?

To me the "L" word seems to be one of the most overused and misused words in the English language. I have seen people declare themselves in love with me after knowing me for a week. That can't be love...

At times I feel like true love, the kind that rocks you to your core, does not really exist outside the wonderful world of Disney.

I don't think I know anyone willing to risk their lives for the person they claim to love. I doubt how much a person would be actually willing to sacrifice for their partner.

I think that relationships are one of the things I understand least about myself and my life. I need to figure out the dynamics of past relationships if I want to keep any hope I have of this relationship working.
I need to learn from all the relationships I have been in.. whether they be romantic or platonic. I just need to learn.
I need to try to learn more to become less jaded and bitter....

So, what does it mean to be in love with someone? What does it mean to have your heart and complete being set on fire by this one person?
How many people reading this are actually in a relationship that makes you smile every time you think about your partner? How many of you have your heart skip a beat when this person calls you?

Are you in love.. or are you just at "good enough"?

I think I was stuck at "good enough"many times before.. and many times I thought this was love. I guess I was so afraid of being alone that I sacrificed happiness.....
I thought that by staying I could somehow create love. I did not agree that love was found not made. I always felt that I just needed to work a bit harder and love would appear.
Little did I know that love would find me on its own...

Will we all ever really experience love? Will it happen before we become more jaded, bitter, and skeptical of all relationships?

I am pretty sure I am in love. My feelings for him are so different that I am scared sometimes. Actually, I get scared more often than not. I am not scared of him. Somehow I am scared of the relationship and how perfect it is!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Islam, pork, and alcohol...

Just a question:


Why are more muslims willing to drink alcohol than eat pork?


I mean, why do I know so many Muslims who drink alcohol.. but would never eat a piece of pepperoni because it is haraam?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Not again...

My brother is considering continuing in the Marines...

I am scared.

It is not easy to have someone you love with all you heart be in a war zone.
It is not easy having to worry about someone being killed in a war.
I hate reading the news and wondering if one of the statistics is my brother...

Please God, help me talk him out of this....

Friday, July 13, 2007

A Name...

Recently I was asked what my name means to me. I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders. I thought it was a stupid question.... until I thought about it a bit more.

My name actually does mean a lot to me.

My name was Cheryl until I was 9 years old. I still felt that I was Cheryl. Nora was so foreign to me.

Nobody really ever called me Nora until I was actually 17.

When I came to Egypt when I was 17 is the first time people knew me as Nora. It was weird. I jumped on a plane on one side of the Atlantic and I was called Cheryl... when it landed on the other side of the Atlantic I was Nora...

I was a person and somewhere over the Atlantic I changed into a completely different person. My personality changed on that flight also!

I also noticed that Nora is the Americanized version of Noura. So, my name is American and Egyptian... just like I am.

I also don't use my father or grandfather's names in my name which is standard practice in Egypt. I guess that is similar to how I try to exclude my family from as much of me and my life as possible.

I am more comforable being called Cheryl. Most times Nora still feels foreign and strange. It feels like someone else's name. When I hear it I will answer... but I still don't feel like it is me. I guess this reminds me of how I am more comfortable with the American part of me. The Egyptian side of me and the Egyptian-ness in my life at times feels foreign. I live the life.. but it does not feel like mine sometimes.

I want to associate my name with happiness and smiles. I want to be one of those people that when you think about them you just smile. I don't want to leave anyone with a negative thought associated to my name....

That is how my name represents me...

I never thought about it before now. I am quite surprised.
Now the question makes sense to me... my name does mean a lot to me and about me!

So, think about it. What does your name mean to you? How does your name identify you? What do you want to associate you name with?
I would love to hear your answers... post them here or e-mail me!!!

Monday, July 09, 2007

Torn...

Well..I have been here for about 10 days. I am enjoying my time with my family.. and somehow I am not.
My heart feels heavy. There are so many problems and I am scared because I do not know how to deal with them. I also feel like I have no where to run to get help. It is scary when you need to face things alone.
Scary when your whole world is rocked and you don't know what to deal.
Scary when you see things that you have never seen before.
God, I hope I can deal with it all.....

I miss living here. I don't remember a time when I actually wanted to move back here. I kinda want to now... I am torn because I feel like I cannot leave Egypt now. I have too much going on there to leave. I am actually happy there, who would give up happiness?
I wonder if this is me just fucking with my own head. My own way of making sure that I am not too happy. Or is it my reaction to the fact that I have become increasingly bitter with life in Egypt.
Life in Egypt has become really nice.. but at the same time society has deteriorated so much that it is unbearable at times...

I don't know.. I know that right now I am not the happiest person in the world. I miss my life, my friends, and my boyfriend. Being away from all 3 for so long is not easy...

I hate being torn like this...
I either miss my family or my friends. I am either happy and wanting to leave Egypt or not happy but intent on staying, I am always stuck between 2 opposites!
I hate being torn!!

I hate being forced to deal with these problems when I so desperately want to run away...
I seriously cannot do this anymore....
I cannot deal with the issues, with the drama, or with anything else!

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Sex and Society II...

Well..
Still thinking about the sex issue.. A lot of the comments have sparked more questions for me!
Please answer them...

Why are men a lot more touchy-feely in this county?
Does it have anything to do with the fact that it is not acceptable to touch women? If it was not a
big deal to touch a women, would men be so comfortable hugging, touching, and holding another man in the middle of the street?

Is a woman who has had her hymen restored considered pure again?

Is she better than the girl without the hymen who was honest enough to say she is not a virgin?

Is it better for a girl to run around and hide everything while going to have a surgery to trick the man she will marry?

Is a woman's morality really judged by some tissue?

Is it better for a woman's psychological state to have the hymenoplasty and then hope to marry a man stupid enough to not figure it out?

Would men prefer that the woman be honest and tell them she is not a virgin? Or would they prefer that the woman have the surgery in secret and never tell them?

The doctors that perform this surgery; do they feel they are helping a woman deceive a man, or do they feel they are saving the woman from a life of shame?

Why are Egyptian women expected to remain virgins while it is acceptable and somehow expected that Egyptian men to be sexually experienced? Who are these Egyptian men supposed to be sleeping with??

Are Egyptian men ok with marrying women who have tried other types of sex.. but kept their hymen intact?