Running away....

I have this place in my head that I like to live in.
It's my happy bubble.
I don't like the so called "real world". It scares me.
I don't like those problems that I see. I don't like my own problems. I just lock them away in a faraway part of my mind or heart.
Is this running away? Most likely it is….

I've had too many problems in my lifetime. I just want to be happy. I don't even want the smallest problem. Actually, I can't handle even smallest problem. When I see problems I just freak out and run to my happy bubble.
I just freak out and run….
Now, I've started to run away from everything. I just can't deal with it all.
Actually, I am scared to try and to find myself broken. I'm scared of getting hurt.

I am so scared now. I've freaked out and broken down so many times this week.

I'm scared of this not knowing phase of my life. There are so many things that I don't know and that scares the shit out of me. I am so scared so I start to run…
As I run away I realize that I am running away from everything and everyone.
I run away, but I don't want to.
I don't want to leave. I don't want to be alone, but I am afraid of being not alone too.
I'm scared of letting people in. I always keep people a safe distance away. I never let them 100% in. This is a self defense mechanism. It's my way of making sure that these people can't hurt me. My way of making sure that they can't fuck me up emotionally.

I'm scared of needing anyone because so many times I'd need someone and they'd disappear.

I'm scared of trusting people because broken trust is a sharp knife that has stabbed me before.

I'm scared of wanting someone because it hurts too much when you're rejected. I'm scared because wanting someone makes you vulnerable.

I'm petrified of loving someone because a broken heart would leave me broken… I don't want to break!

I'm scared of wanting, needing, or loving someone.
I'm scared of being vulnerable.
I'm scared of being hurt.
I'm scared of you.. but I am scared of running away from you!!

I love you and I am scared!!