On Valentine's and Love…

Happy Valentine's Day to you all…
I hope you all spent a great day surrounded by all the people you love.

This Valentine's day was different for me. It was probably the first V day to pass where I am single. The first V day where I was not sucked into the commercialism of Valentine's Day. The first V day where I was not so stressed out because of the pressure of getting the perfect gift to say I love you.
I have noticed that none of the gifts I have received for Valentines Day have said "I love you". They mainly say that I have a lot of money and I found something red.. preferably with a heart on it.
This was the first Valentine's Day where I looked at the people holding the presents and I felt bad for them. Felt bad for the extent of the disillusionment. In a few years they will probably understand.
I was not upset this Valentine's day. I loved the day. I was so relaxed. So happy. The right people made me feel special. The flowers I received really did express feelings, made me feel like those people really did want to tell me how they felt. I did not feel like anything I received was just a way of saying that I have money I want to spend. I was really happy. I like where I am in my life and I like the people around me.

I think that there is no way of avoiding thinking about love on Valentine's Day. It is inevitable. I used to think that love was a feeling that consumes you whole. It is so much more than a feeling. It is an existence. I think that when I am in love, everything is different. I wonder how it is possible that I can be in love and after a while I am not. Is that possible? Was I really in love? Is love a feeling you have for a person and then it can be null? The problem is that sometimes I think I might still be in love with the love of my life. The first man I ever loved. the first man who made me feel like I want to spend forever with him…. I have never wondered if I was in love with him.
There are other people I know I loved. I know this because even when the shit hit the fan and the relationship ended I still had feelings. Even when I was with someone else.. I still felt the good feelings for that person. I know it was love because the feelings were still there when they probably should not have been.
What about the other feelings. The ones that I thought were love.. the ones that ended and were forgotten. the ones that I am neutral towards now. Or the ones that I feel hate towards. The people I regret having uttered those words, those words that mean so much to me, those words.. "I love you". What about them? Was I really in love? Was I just lonely, depressed, insecure, in need, jealous, weak… what was it?
I really cannot explain a lot about my feelings, feelings of love that I might have or might not have felt….