Funner is a word....

Since I started teaching this year I noticed that I act like a teacher all day. When I am out with friends I will correct their mistakes. I will paraphrase myself a million times. I might even throw some comprehension questions into the middle of a discussion just to make sure that I've got every one's attention! ;o)
My friends don't enjoy this much. I think most of them hate it when I correct their English. I guess sometimes I pick the wrong time to do it also... just kinda kill the mood of the conversations with my little pronunciation lessons.....
Anyway.. back to something important....
About 2 weeks ago I was talking and I cannot remember what I was talking about.. but I know that I was comparing 2 things...
I said "something" was FUNNER than "something" else. So... My friends had a field day with that one. Commenting on how I can never correct anyone again.. on how they will never send their kids to the school I work at and so on...
They would not accept my explanation that it has to be a word because the comparative and superlative rules say that all one syllable adjectives take -er and -est....
So, I tried to act like it was a joke.. but I was pissed. I hate being wrong.. I hate feeling like an idiot!!! (But my friends were funny about it..)
They were nice enough to actually create and use the word funner in everyday conversation... to make me feel better!
But..... I don't need you!!!!
Funner actually is a word!!!! It is informal but it is a word....
The story behind it is that fun was actually only used as a noun (and there are no comparative or superlative for nouns).. but language evolved and so did the word fun. It has recently been used as an adjective... but it was never officially and adjective.. so the rules were kinda never set out for it.
So, funner and funnest are actual words.. they're informal but they are still words...
You can read the article if you are interested....

So.. I guess that means that I was right and you were wrong... (I told you so... )
Damn, I love being right!!!!

This is the funnest post I have ever written!

About him...

Have you ever liked a person?
I mean seriously liked a person. Like put them on your list of the coolest people you have met. Maybe somewhere at the top of the list....
I did....
This person.. (who shall remain nameless.)... is a really cool person. I always had tremendous fun when I was hanging out with him. I enjoyed being with him a lot.. maybe more than I should have.
Anyway.. today I spent a lazy day at home and thought about it. About him.. about why I like him.
I could think of a lot of things I thought were cool about him. A lot of qualities that are so rare in Egyptian guys.... a lot...
But I also thought of a list of not so great qualities....
And I also realized that things are going at his pace, things are happening his way. We are talking when he feels cool, and not talking when he is in a bad mood or busy or sad or with friends or not in the mood or whatever else. We're trying to keep him happy... (OK I am trying to make/keep him happy). We're trying our hardest to make him feel better about life. Trying to be something positive in his life....
(Let me make it clear that I am the one who chose to do this...he did not force me;o) )
That is cool... I think he should always do what he needs. We all should do what we need... Maybe that is the hard part about relationships. You need to find the one person who you can do what you need with.. and you realize that this is what they need also.
Anyway I realized I was not doing what I need. Things were not happening the way I need them to...
The worst part about it is that I was not comfortable. Kinda walking on eggshells to not piss him off. Unsure of what I can/can't/ should/ or shouldn't do... Afraid that I would do something wrong.. because I really wanted to make him happy.
Tried to make him feel like there really are good people out there... To let him know that he is a kick ass guy that people would try to make happy...
I guess I failed at it all.
But those were my intentions....

I am not mad at him. He did not do anything wrong. We just don't need the same thing...

I think I need someone who wants to do those kinds of things for me... who tries to make the world a better place for me. Who tries to realize what kind of day I am having and try to make it better. Who just generally tries to make me happy.... I want a guy who is willing to do a little bit more for me. A guy who knows how to make me feel like he gives a damn.
A person who is happy making me happy... just like I am happy to make this guy..(this nameless guy)..happy.
I don't want forever, I don't want promises of eternal love,
I do want to feel special... to feel perfect.. to feel important to someone..... to be happy.

I am not sure if he will read this or not.. I do not know if I want him to or not.
But it is out here... and I guess somewhere inside of me I hope that he calls me telling me that he does want to make me happy.
Sadly I doubt that will happen...
So,
I guess this is the end... of the post..... about him.

Computer genius...

I think that I have just fixed the archives on my blog.
I think I have just become a computer genius.... my expertise is unparalleled...
OK, maybe I am going too far..
Maybe the archives are not even working....
Maybe this post is actually pointless....
Maybe I don't care!

;o)

Excellence is a habit

Excellence is an art won by training and habituation.
We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
Aristotle

I saw this quote today and I love it. I think I do this with myself a lot. Even when I am depressed and in a shit mood I smile, laugh, try to trick myself into thinking that I am not depressed... If I act not depressed enough than I will not be depressed...
When I am dealing with my friends I do the same... like when certain guy pisses me off because he is being mean... I keep acting like I'm not mad, or that what happened is ok... When I do that I am able to not create more problems with him.. not argue when he is having a shit week.. and more often than not he feels bad about it. He might even feel worse because he feels like I am nice and he has no justifiable reason to be an ass.... (And I say ass out of lack of appropriate vocabulary ;o))
When dealing with my friends I used to get annoyed at trivial things and throw hissy fits and temper tantrums. I kept acting like I do not want to throw a temper tantrum and now I don't feel like throwing them anymore....

So.. what I am trying to say is decide what you want to be.... and act like you are! Soon enough you will be!
Good luck and good night...

You will...

You will learn that, despite what you think, you are not always perfect and that everyone will not always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are.. but you must realize that this is okay. They are entitled to their own views and opinions, just as you are entitled to yours.
You will learn the importance of just being yourself and that other people's opinions do not define your own.
You will gradually, possibly painfully, learn that you are the only person responsible for yourself. Eventually, this will be one of the most useful things you will ever discover. You will stop blaming other people for the things they did to you or didn't do for you. You will learn that not everyone will always be there for you, but there are a few people who can always be counted on and these people can become the most important people that you ever meet. Ultimately, you will learn to stand on your own and take care of yourself.
You will stop judging other people and you will stop pointing fingers. You will begin to accept people as they are, and overlook their shortcomings and human frailties. You will learn that all the media's messages and opinions that have been fed to you over the years play a huge part in the way you view yourself. You begin to filter everything you've seen about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, where and how you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, or what you owe your parents. You will learn to open up to new worlds and to accept different points of view. You will begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You will learn the difference between wanting and needing and learn that it is completely acceptable to want things and grant yourself these things.
You will learn to go with your instincts and you will learn how to say no and really mean it.
You will learn when it is acceptable to demand something of another person simply to make you happy and that you must do the same for them.
You will learn that beauty is an attitude and has nothing to do with actions or appearance.
You will learn that it is not a weakness to ask for help and that receiving it will never cease to benefit you in the end.
You will learn that life isn't always fair, no person always gets what he or she thinks they deserve, and that bad things happen to unsuspecting good people. On these occasions you will learn not to personalize things and accept that it's just life happening.
You will learn to admit when you are wrong and you will learn humility. You will learn to apologize to people you have wronged and that it makes you a better person in the end.

You will take a breath and begin to live life as best you can...

The good and the bad of the week....

The good....

1. I just started my vacation. 15 days of freedom... I am looking forward to this vacation very much.
2. Things at work are getting slightly better.. or I am just handling it better. I have definately reached the point of telling everyone to fuck off... so the shit that happens has stopped bothering me.
3. Starbucks has opened in Egypt! (They also know how to properly say latte ;o))
4. I can sleep in late tomorrow!! The thought makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!!

The bad....

1. I am still very much affected by the fact those assholes hit my car. I think it is just fucking me because I never felt like I was not safe in Egypt. Now I do not feel safe, now I am paranoid. Whenever I see 2 men talk I get paranoid that they are planning something. I hate being scared like that. I hate thinking that all men suck.... What the fuck is happening here in Egypt?? A friend of mine was attacked in her home. Some fucking asshole followed her upstairs and as she was closing the dorr he pushed it open and went in and attacked her. She was not raped because somehow she screamed... but she was still attacked, still does not feel safe in her own home. She was still violated. How the fuck can a man feel that he can do something like that?
   Can a population really be this fucking sexually frustrated??
   From guys attacking you in your home, to guys running you off the road, old men trying to grab me at malls, gradnpa types looking down my shirt.... It is fucking hideous!!!
   I used to think that it was only the sick psychos who do shit like that.. but now I am thinking that it is the norm in this freaking country!
2. I am insanely bitter nowadays! I hate bitterness. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I am forcing myself to act happy in an attempt to trick myself into believing it!!
3. I was pushed down some stairs at work today and I am in quite a lot of pain.
4. Psycho ex is almost-stalking me. tried being direct, indirect, blunt, sweet, distant, psycho-bitch, ignoring him.... nothing fucking works!!! My fear of him is increasing daily.....
5. My Ipod is fucked and I am forced to listen to Nile FM in my car.... ;o(
6. There is a mosquito in my room and is biting me as I write this....
7. Purvi is out of the country.... and she is going through a difficult time now.

I think that is all.... I am too tired to try to remember more....

Scary fucking shit.....

Today might have been the worst day of my life....

OK.. maybe I am dramatizing that.. but it was a shit morning and I am genuinely freaked out!

I left my house today at 6:30 am. Of course I am still half asleep as I get in the car. I heat the car up as I drink my coffee. It is a usual morning. So.. I start driving...
Now, I live in a semi-deserted area and at 6:30 in the morning.. pretty much everywhere is deserted. I thought nothing of this...
So.. I take my usual route to my friend Shahira's house....
As I drive down this half-dirt half- main road suddenly the car in front of me stops... I slam on the brakes... and I notice another car has stopped on my left side. This is not good because on the right side is a construction site where a building is going up.
Now.. I just thought that this was regular Egyptian driving stupidity.... Normally when shit like this happens I just honk my horn profusely and wait for them to move....
Luckily today I did not.
So.. I just get pissed and throw my car into reverse and back up and drive around them....
Then ....
I notice the cars are following me.. speeding up and shit....
By now I am on the main road.. (The Ring Road) then one of the cars hits me intentionally trying to get me to slam into the island in the middle of the fucking road!!!
I am scared shitless....
I freak out...
My knees are shaking... My elbows are shaking.... I am not sure what was not shaking. The guys looked scary! The swerve at me again....
Anyway.. I put my hazard lights on and pull to the side... and I notice they have slowed down...
I am glad I decided to not stop.. but instead I try to get close enough to read their license plate number. They drive off....
My knees are still shaking.. I am crying.. I am scared.
I have no clue what they wanted or why the fuck they did that.
I am scared!
Beginning to not like it here anymore.....
;o(

The art of procrastination...

Procrastination is an art that I have almost mastered.
I have some work to do. I am not dreading it.. well I think I am not.
I was motivated to do it...

But then.. I read up on psychology. I sorted my laundry into piles. I cleaned out the refridgerator. I tried half of the clothes in my closet on. I made phones calls. I checked e-mails. I commented on blogs with almost a stalker like presence. I made more phone calls. I roamed around the house. I made coffee. I drank coffee. I cleaned out my purse.

I am worried that I will run out of things to do... and then maybe I will have to start doing the working that I was acctually motivated to do...

Any advice from professional or amature procrastinators???

I might actually stop putting this off... HELP!!

Failure.. fact or fiction?

I wonder if I am failing at the things I am doing but am too blind to see it.

Am I really a good teacher? Am I benefiting the kids at all? Am I just a waste of a year of their lives? I know that I try.. I try to teach them a lot more than Science, Math, English and Social Studies.. I try to teach them to think, make decisions, form opinions, voice their opinions, understand, be responsible for their actions, accept consequences of their actions.... and so much more.....
But, am I doing that?
Will I be a teacher they remember in 10 years.... ?
Will I have impacted any of them?
I feel lucky to have the opportunity to impact so many children.. but am I actually doing something?
I try.. but I am worried that I am not succeeding.
I am scared....
I have stories of things that my students do. I am not sure if these stories show that I have impacted them.. or if I am just tricking myself into believing so.
I have letters from my students telling me that they love me and that I am the best teacher in the world... but do they really think so?
Would they be better off if I were not their teacher?

Am I a good friend? I really hope that my friends feel comfortable with me. That they would not be uncomfortable if they needed to ask me for anything. That they know I would really try my hardest to help them when they have a problem.. or even are just in a bad mood. I really hope that my friends consider me one of their good friends. I hope that when my friends are upset I can be the one to help.. to cheer them up.. to make life a bit better....
But.. am I doing that?

Am I a good daughter/sister? Am I as good to my mom and sister as they are to me? Do I do my share in those relationships? Am I being selfish and I just do not realize it....?

I am not sure why I am thinking about this. I am not sure what the inspiration for this post was. Maybe the fact that my bitch boss made me feel like I am not doing enough.. even though I am doing everything that I can. She made me feel like everything that I was proud of was nothing. I was depressed about it for quite a while.... but I recently adopted this "fuck off" attitude. I am trying to not let her get to me. I was, and will continue, doing everything that I can to succeed at all I attempt... but I am just evaluating whether I am succeeding or not....
So.. in my case.. now...
Failure....
Is it fact or fiction?

Enjoy the Moment....

I am happy now. I am in one of those on top of the world periods of my life. Even though there is a lot of shit going on. Crappy things happen... but I live with the bad in that moment.... But somehow I am still ok.
I mean I am not depressed.....
I think that people should just enjoy the good as it happens. Who the hell knows what things will be like tomorrow. Most likely there will be shit hitting some fan somewhere soon.
Would it be right for us to expect the shit and be depressed now? Or to not make ourselves happy because we will soon be sad?
I think that thinking about the future is important... but enjoying things for what they are now.. in this moment.. is just as important.
Live your life to the fullest and enjoy every moment! These are the moments and experiences that will shape your life. You should enjoy them and embrace the changes they are creating in yourself...
Enjoy everything.... what you are and what you will be.

Random thoughts on my mind....

Warning: Another long post.. feel free not to read it... It is quite personal and somehow it is just me thinking out loud. Feel free to read it if you want too.. whatever floats your boat. But you have been warned..

A bunch of random thoughts have been on my mind. When you meet people, interact with people, talk to them and try to understand them ... you cannot help but to learn about yourself in the process.... For me it is inevitable. I am not sure what I have learned yet.. I think I still need to think a bit more to see how I really feel... And so I will think now..here...

Well... the first thing I am thinking about is whether it is worse to live life to the fullest and regret doing things on the way... or live life on the path of least resistance and regret not doing things along the way? I think that I would rather live and make mistakes... I mean I think getting over making a mistake is much easier than living a life wondering what would have happened... You have to try things... take the amazing job, live the life you want, go places you dream of, love people... These are all chances that people need to take.... Who knows where they will take you. You might even end up in a worse place and wishing that you did not do that... but at least you know what would happen on both sides... You would not imagine the grass is greener on the other side... You would know.
Maybe I just think that way because for me knowing things is easier.... I cannot deal with vague/not clear/ undecided things...... Anything clear is a lot easier for me to deal with.. i can take bad news, I can take good news.... but I have to know what kind of news it is....
Maybe that is why I need to know both sides so I can see which is better....
Maybe I am like this because I lived a long time not trying anything and living on the path of least resistance....
Who knows?
What do you think... is it better to try things and potentially regret.. or play it safe and not try these things?

Another thing I was thinking about this morning... I was just thinking about my friends. Friends are very important to me. I could not be happy in life without friends.... I am a people person.. I like to be around people. I was thinking today about my close friends. I have a lot of friends I would consider close. I have a lot of friends I can depend on. I hope all my friends can depend on me. I was thinking about each person that I consider a friend. I have no doubt in my mind that this person will not screw me over. I know that they will be there for me. I know that they would help me with a problem... To many this might not seem like a big deal... but I think here in Egypt friendships can be fickle.. and over in a short while. Friends in Egypt do screw each other over sometimes... and to get fucked by a friend does hurt. (I have had the kind who did that.. and I can remember vaguely that it hurt.... I am lucky that friendship ended) I guess I am lucky that I have no fear that my friends will be like that. I am grateful.... and sorry for those who do not feel so safe in their friendships. (Thank you everybody...)

I was also thinking about first love. I used to think that it is the most perfect thing in the world. I know that it is probably the most pure kind of love we will ever experience. I used to think that the best thing in the world would be to stay together with your first love. I know that for a couple of years I would have done anything to be with my first love. I know that he is the one ex-bf that I cannot remember the bad things about. All my memories are good. But.. I am also at some other place where I am over my love for first love. I am over him... and I know that I do not want to be with my first love forever. I want to be in a different kind of love forever.... I guess honest, and comfortable... but still trying to keep the other person. Still willing to work your ass off to make it work.. but not having to because when it is right it works with you... you have to work... but not as hard. I think that every relationship, encounter, feeling, has taught me a lot about what I want. About what would make me happy... That is why I would not want to be in my first relationship forever... because I missed all those opportunities to love and learn. I did not know what I wanted... I did not know anything. Maybe that is why it worked... Maybe that is why it was perfect then. I know it would not be perfect for me now.
Is there any such thing as a perfect love? I know there is not such thing as a universally perfect love... one that would fit everybody and make everybody happy. I know that different people want different things. But... is there a perfect love for each person? Is there the love that fits them perfectly? Or is love just great and we work to make it perfect? Or is the person just great and we mold with them and are mature enough to over look the bad? Or is the perfect love just a thing in our heads.... ignorance that we need to be able to live in this harsh world sometimes? Do we lie to ourselves to make life easier?

I also know that I have not found my perfect love yet.. I know that I will try my hardest to not settle for anything less than what is perfect for me. I am not too keen on falling in love now. I amok with waiting and looking and not looking and enjoying my life as it is. I am ok with my life not being consumed by a guy.... I like putting all my attention into me now. I know that sounds selfish or something.... but I used to put my everything into other people. I never really gave a shit about me. My feelings, wants, fears always came somewhere between 2nd and last place... but never first. The scary part is that I was ok with that. I think I just need time where at least I put myself first.... I do not need to settle for any other place. So.. I know that I am not gonna rush into everything. I will take my time and enjoy everything, every feeling, every moment, every laugh, every experience along the way. I am not in any rush to get anywhere... I am enjoying the moments! Sometimes the slow road is better....

I was also wondering about my changed feelings towards my family. I like being with them now. I miss them. I am now ok with missing something with my friends to sit with my family. I was never like that before. I will make the effort now to see them. I was just wondering if this could be because I came to terms with my childhood and I do not need to blame them anymore, is it because I am older now and somehow changed, is it because I am living alone now and I can appreciate them more, is it because I am happy now and that makes me able to like people easier? I wonder a lot about this change because for a while I hated my family.. and now I think I do not ;o) Is it because I am a lot more independent now and they do not control me anymore.. and that is what was killing our relationship? As a family I think we are quite controlling. I also think that we detest being controlled. Hm.. it makes sense to me. All of the issues and fights in my family have had something to do with control... and our deep love for each other is what kept the family together.... Maybe I am just not being controlled anymore.....

Not sure what else is on my mind... but those were the main things I am thinking about.... more later!

Pandora's box....

I am back in Alex now...
I got here yesterday. I was excited about coming here, at first. I do not know if I was excited about coming because I missed Alex, I missed my cousins, or because of wanting to hang out with friends of mine that were here.. I do not know....
But this is the first time that I have looked forward to coming to Alex since I moved away about a year ago. I hated coming here... and I was happy that this time I was excited.
Anyway.... moving on.....
Yesterday and today were great... hung out with people that I like to be with. Just spent the 2 days talking and talking and laughing and with most, remembering the good times....
But... when I got home about 2 hours ago I was going through some of the shit I left here. Things that I probably should have thrown away without going through.
It was just a box of letters and notes and memories.
A Pandora's box of bitter memories.
I went through the box... read every letter.... read every card... remembered every moment... remembered the feelings... the good and the bad.
It put me back to where I was was emotionally a few years ago... I was crippled emotionally. I was unable to love myself.... but I needed someone to love me. I looked for love.. I thought I found it a few times.... but it was not what I needed. I could never find what I needed. I am thinking that maybe I just needed to love myself.. and that the more I looked for love outside, and never found it. Never wanted it enough.. I felt like a failure. And that made it harder for me to love myself.
I think I have had issues with love for a long time. It was the one thing I think I needed more than anything.
Anyway..
I think that these memories and feelings are what made me hate coming to Alex (ok.. that and a random ex and a creepy stalker dude).. but mainly the negative feelings I was going though when Iw as here.
I know I hated moving back to the states... and I hated being there...
But today I found the good in that. (I have recently been trying to find at least one good thing in everything thathappens... my attempt to make me appreciate everything...)
I know that by moving back (out of Alex) I was able to distance myself from all these memories. I was able to get rid of the weight that there memories carried. I started a completely new phase in my lfie... with no memories. Nothing ruined it. I did nto hate living in California because of the past... I hated it because what was happening during the present, while I was there.) So.. by being forced to live in the present... I stopped choosing to live in the past. I was able to let go to the past that hurt me so much.
I think that now I am happier because I came to terms with everything in the past. I was able to love myself in this past year.. and I stopped hating myself for things in the past. I accepted myself, my present, my past.. and am looking forward to the future...
I was saying that I was able to love myself. As I was growing up I really just wanted to feel that unconditional love that children feel from their parents... I did not feel it for a long time. This was one of the things crippling me....
Anyway.. I loved myself.. and therefore stopped needing to find someone to love me. I was enough for me.... I stopped picking the completely wrong guy to love me..... I chose myself.
I think that one of the healthiest decisions I made was to stay away from finding someone to make me feel loved.
I used to try to find a person to do so... I always found the people who were in love with the image of me... in love with being the guy with the american girl.... needless to say they fucked me up emotionally.
So... I got over all that shit....
Got over picking the guys who actually did more harm than good....
Got over hating myself for being me....
And I found that I am ok....
I like being me....
I like not being controlled by guys....
I like being free of baggage....
I like not being scared of my family... being an equal amonst them.....
I like being strong enough to tell people to fuck off...

So.. back to my Pandora's box.... I read it all... Felt crippled again... but decided that I just need to remember, reflect, learn, and forgive. I do not think I need to forget.. because I learned from all of these experiences. I learned from every shit moment I lived through. I just need to let go of the scars I felt.
And I think that one of the ways of getting over it.. is by putting it out there. Putting it in front of myself and acknowledge that it is real. The feelings are real. The pain is real. And that forgiveness or moving past it is possible.
So... my first bitter memory from the Pandora's Box....
This is what I wrote to myself on one of the many days I felt that I hated my life, my family, and so many other things.....
I resented the fact that I was forced to grow up with a family that never made me feel really loved.. not in the way that I needed it from them....

Here goes:
I sit in bed and I cannot sleep. I want to sleep. Sleep is my only escape from the hell I call life. I wish it would all just end. I don't care how but all I know is that I can't live like this anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. Can I tough it out for a few more years? Can I continue pretending that I am happy and fine even though I can feel a part of me dying as every second passes? How long until I become an emotionless rock? Would that be bad? I would stop feeling this misery and that is all Iw ant. I want this misery to end! Please... anybody... I need help. Can anyone hear me? Does anybody even care? If people around me cared would things ahve gone so far?If anyone cared would I now want to die? How can everyone be so blind? Did they see and just not care? How could my father do this to me? I am a part of him and he just left me here to grow up by myself. All I am to him is a financial burden..... he does not know that he is everything to me. I only want to make him happy. I know that to him I am a financial burden.... I do not want to be an emotional one also. There are a lot of things I would have done if I wasn't scared of hurting his feelings. I wish that somebody, anybody would care about my feelings in the same way.
I wish that when people asked how I was that they would wait for an answer. I just wish that I was cared for. I have this feeling that I am not important to anyone. Is there anyone out there that could not live without me? Do I matter to anyone? Why did this happen to me? Why is my life like this? Why? Why is everyone around me lucky enough to be loved and live with their parents? How come I am shipped off to live with anybody else. Why doesn't anybody love me? What did I do wrong?
WHy is it easier for me to talk to people not related to me? WHy can't I talk honestlywith my dad? Why can't anyone make me feel needed? WHy can't my life be a little easier? Is that too much to ask for?
I spend all my time worrying baout people's feelings, trying not to upset anyone, trying to act like I am ok so that I do not burden the people around me. Who is going to do this for me? Where is the one person who willcare and think about me like that? I am miserable and ijsut want to die.
I am scared of moving out on my own and failing. Is failing worse than this? I want to find happiness. I want to lose my emotional baggage. That is the one thing that my parent's managed to give... emotional baggage. Oh yeah, they also gave me this eternal feeling of guilt. They screwed my life up and they are not here to help me now. I am alone.
Please... somebody.... anybody help me.


Well... I hated my life. I put in situations that demanded too much of me emotionally. I could not give so much. The situations, life, and people demanded too much of me. I could not deliver.
For a while things really did go downhill from there...... I became this cold person. I could remove what was left of my emotions and feelings from my thinking in a heartbeat. I could be the coldest bitch that anyone has seen.... and I could be the nicest, sweetest person ever. I guess that to become cold and distant was my defense mechanism. I thought that I would not be able to handle it.
But I surprised myself. I handled it... and I came out ok.
I learned to be easier on myself and on people.
I learned that I have people in my family who did love and made me feel it.... but at times I was blind to that.
I learned that I am stronger than I think. I learned that I can puch myself to the limit.... and in the end I won. The limits were readjusted.

I am out of this bitter palce in life. I am determined to stay a far away as possible.
I never want to go back there.... I am happy now where I am, with who I am... and with myself!
I learned that I should expect from myself only. Don't set expectations for other people. Enjoy things with them... and love them and everything... but no expectations. Expectations hurt.... people do not hurt... it is what we expect of them that fucks us up. If you expect me to lie to you and steal from you... and I do it. You will be pissed because I stole.. but you will not be surprised.. and you will not be hurt. Being pissed and hurt are 2 different things. Expectations hurt....
Expecting things from myself has forced me to know what I can and cannot do on my own. I have found that I can do a lot. I do not need anyone else to do things for me. If I get things from others that is great... if I don't I am ok.
SO.. with expectations of myself came fulfillment and respect, and with this respect I had for myself.. I found that I loved myself. I was/am proud of myself....
I am letting go of everything and anything that is holding me back.

I have come a long way......

To bullshit or not to bullshit...??

All of you probably know that I like to have my personality analyzed and so on. I like to analyze myself in general. I like to see what I want to change and so on...
For the third time I have heard the same comment about my personality from a guy... They tell me that I am not "sahla". They mean that I will call people on their bullshit. They all say it is cool and fun but will intimidate and scare a guy away..
They tell me this as one of the negative characteristics. Why is it a negative thing when a guy is not able to bullshit me. Why isn't it a negative characteristic that guys are full of shit?
How come I have to let it slide or believe them to not intimidate a guy or scare him....
I am glad that I call people on their shit... I am glad that people can see that I do that. I hope that I do intimidate and scare all of these bullshitting guys off...
I will not think that this is a negative thing about me. I think it is a negative thing about guys in Egypt.
I wish guys were not so controlling and weak that they feel they need to lie and make women believe them... Just be yourselves guys! Be honest! be who you are.. and you will see it is much better than being full of shit.....
I wish you all luck!
And I hope I stay this way....

Destiny.....

I was out with a friend and we were talking about destiny.
I said I am the type who believes that if something is meant to happen then it will happen... He said he thinks that it is very possible to miss out on something because you made a different turn somewhere....
Is it really possible that your future changes with every second of the day? Is there nothing set in stone?
Is there a chance that I will never meet "the one" because I left my house too late today because I called a friend before I left...
Would that be it?
3 strikes and I am out..
Will I be alone forever?

Or will I meet "the one" somewhere else? Did I just miss him but I will run into him anyway?

But.. if we believe what my friend thinks wouldn't that essentially mean that we could live forever. Maybe I will not leave my house on time today and therefore I avoid a potentially fatal accident. Then I went through my day safe and alive... I just avoided death. I know that everybody would tell me that there will be something else that will be fatal up ahead... but then that means we are getting a second try.. right?

So.. does that prove that you can actually never miss out on anything? That there will always be more opportunities to get to where you should be in life?

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!
I hope that you are all where you want to be...
I hope you are all happy....
I hope that 2007 proves to be the best year of your lives.. so far ;o)

With love and hope....
Bye!