Catching up...

Wow. It has been a long time since I last looked at this screen.
It has been a long time since I felt I wanted to write.
I don't know what I want to write now.

This feels like meeting a friend after many years of being out of touch. Where do you begin catching up?

So, I am married now.
I married the guy I mentioned here many times.
I like to think that I always knew he was different.
I don't know.
I know that I never got over him when we broke up, maybe I just knew that we weren't supposed to break up. Maybe I would have gotten over him but just needed more time.
Well, I am glad that I didn't get over him.... because if I had I probably wouldn't have gotten back together with him. I probably wouldn't have agreed to have dinner with him that night. I probably wouldn't have listened to him when he needed to talk.

I definitely would not be as happy as I am now if I didn't get back together with him and eventually marry him, the man that I love.
:)

Thinking about him made me smile.
Not just any kind of smile, the huge grin plastered across my face and cheeks starting to blush kind of smile. Ah, being in love is wonderful, isn't it?

I don't want to talk about anything else now.
I think I will just go and smile and think of how far my husband and I have come.
Life is magical in that way....

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Obama's Un-Cairo experience...

Egypt has stepped up security in the capital preparing for Barack Obama's much anticipated visit. Some experts describe the security arrangement as the biggest they have ever witnessed.

Roads are being closed, stores have been asked to close on Wednesday and Thursday, there are even rumors that people have been asked not to come near their windows or leave their homes in some areas. So, Cairo is basically coming to a standstill.

I am fine with all of this, you do what you have to do.

The thing that bothers me is that Obama is coming all the way here. He is trying to fix everything that Bush destroyed, he is trying to repair American relations with the rest of the world and we will deny him the true Cairo experience.

Cairenes will not be allowed anywhere near the president…. This leaves me with a few questions;

Who will shout “Welcome in Egypt” as Obama walks along?
Who will ask Obama if he happens to “have one dol-lar”?
Who will inform him that it is “free to look at the camels” or that there is “no charge for look” near the pyramids?
Will anyone courteously offer Obama a free picture on a camel and fail to mention that while it is free to sit on a camel, it costs 50 LE to get off the camel?
Who will offer Obama a “ezspecial discount just for you” on souvenirs that he might purchase?

So, is it fair that the man travels all the way over here and we do not offer the typical touristic experience?

:)

"blah"

It has been a long time since I wrote anything here. I feel like I have nothing to say. I am tired of talking about how I miss my family. Work is ok.. but not spectacular. My students are lazy and careless and it drives me crazy. I feel like it is all pointless because I can't teach them when they couldn't care less. I taught a few of them. I guess I taught all of them something, but I feel like I did not teach them enough. I feel like I was not able to teach them to take pride in their work. I feel like I could not teach them to not fight each other...
Speaking of fighting...
I was telling a kid that he can't hit people to solve his problems. I was giving him the whole lecture about fighting being wrong and him having to find other ways to solve his problems... He asked me when it is ok to start fighting. I asked him what he meant... he said "I know fighting is wrong in year 1 and year 2, but when it is ok to start fighting again?" I told him that it is never ok to fight. He told me I am wrong because he saw men fighting with guns on the news and that it was ok. I told him they were soldiers and they were not fighting and .. and then I was lost for words. I told him that those were countries fighting and he is not a country and therefore he cannot fight. When he becomes a country he can fight.
It was wrong of me to do that... but what was I supposed to tell him?
Anyway, back to my "blah" feeling.. I am just not interested in anything now.
I am enjoying time alone more. I am starting to get worried because I am starting to prefer being alone as opposed to being with people.
I miss my niece and nephew and am starting to count down the days until I am back there with them....

and I am hoping this "blah" feeling goes away because I am bored of it!

Bladder control...

Once upon a time, long long ago.. in a land far far away... my family took a road trip. My cousin was on my lap. She was young.
Her bladder was full. Control is something she lacked.
She peed on my lap.
The story makes me almost pee my pants when I remember it. Somehow she managed to write about it and it sounds sweet.

Relationships, research, and recess...

I always thought that kids know how to live. To them life is simple... just how it should be. Kids understand things that adults struggle to comprehend. Kids make the complex issues seem easy.
Relationships is something most people struggle with, including myself. A nine year old boy is the author of a best selling book on Amazon.com about relationships. The advice he gives is hard to argue with... His research was conducted during recess at his school. It is quite amazing what you can understand while watching a group of nine year olds.

I am going to start seeking relationship counseling in my classroom...

Less than a minute man...

I was just chatting with a friend of mine and she reminded me of something that happened a long time ago. Tears welled in my eyes because I laughed so hard remembering. I can't believe I had forgotten that one..

It was 2001 I think. I was in love the song Minute Man by Missy Elliot. I thought it was a catchy tune. Anyway, I picked my friend up and then we went to pick her boyfriend up. He got in the car. The song played on my MP3 player. He got seriously pissed off. She tried to smile reassuringly at him but it went by unnoticed.
Turns out that they had recently had sex for the first time and he was less than a minute man. He thought she had told me and I was playing the song as a tribute to him. The girl hadn't told me that story. He actually ended up being the one to advertise his umm, "eagerness".
The song bruised his fraile male ego.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Idoit!

I almost peed my pants remembering that one...

Not in the mood...

I am not in the mood...

I am not in the mood for anything these days. I don't feel like working, I don't feel like sleeping, I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like being around people, I don't feel like being alone either, I don't feel like leaving my house, I don't feel like writing this, I don't feel like reading what anyone has written, I don't feel like calling him, I don't feel like not talking to him, I don't feel like being touched, I don't feel like laughing, I don't feel like eating, I seriosluy don't feel like anything.

Everything I think is contradictory to the next thought. I have become more indecisive than ever. I am pissing myself off.

I don't know what to do.

I guess tonight will be another night of staying in watching movies that I really don't feel like watching.
I wonder if I should force myself to go out and be social.
Wish I could fucking understand what the hell is going on with me...
I am pissing myself off even more now... dammit!

American Creativity...

Americans were never really known for their creativity... were they?

Just read something about a tour of the White House...

The rooms/areas that were visited were:

The Oval Office (Umm, an oval shaped office)
The Blue Room (a room with blue curtains and furniture)
The Green Room (a room with green walls, carpets, furniture, etc)
The Gold Room (a room with gold tapestries, walls, etc)
The Red Room (Umm, you guessed it.. red walls, curtains, etc)
The East Room (A room located on the East Side of the house)
The Map Room ( A room that was used to store and read maps??)
The Grand Staircase ( A staircase that is grand)

Couldn't someone come up with anything a bit more creative? Is this really the best we can do?

:)

A very long concise version of my dating history...

Excuse the long post... but I swear this is the concise version!

I am having trouble with myself lately. I am having trouble with the "in a relationship" part of me.
I am in love with a man... and I have little voices in my head that are fucking it up.
I have been e-mailing a friend of mine about it. Actually, I have been seeking advice from almost everyone. I want to make this work... and I need help figuring out how to do that.
My friend told me to look at my dating history and come to terms with it all so I can understand why I am not able to trust easily.
So, here it is... my attempt at coming to terms with my dating history:

I have dated a lot. I always felt guilty about this. I know that my guilt has been induced by my opinionated Egyptian side of the family. My mom would think that there is nothing wrong with getting to know men. My dad would think that the best time to get to know a man is after you've taken his name and are carrying his baby. Since I was living with my dad's family but had the opinions of my mother.. I had to date in secret and that caused me to feel guilty about doing so...
I could never discuss heartaches I was feeling with anyone, so I ended up running to another man to talk to. I think that is how my toxic dating patterns began. I always needed someone who cared and was willing to listen to me bitch about my life. I felt bonded to these men because they listened and offered mediocre support. They felt like they were able to shelter and protect me so they were happy. Soon after that they became too protective, and too controlling. When that happened, I ran into the arms of the next man willing to listen to me bitch about the last guy and all the previous ones before...

I ran that theory by my friend and he thought it was progress but he also called it a lame attempt to feel like I am delving into my thoughts. He told me to man it up and search for the reasons behind my inability to trust people... so I was back to looking at my bitter memories...

So, lets see. Where did it all begin...

When I was 16 a friend of mine told me that his friend wanted to date me. I said no. The guy is a freak and has never said a word to me. How the fuck can he want to date me? So, my friend went back and told his friend that I agreed. Suddenly, I found myself this guy's girlfriend. The guy friend told me that he couldn't say no to the dude and just to dump him after a week.. I was pissed, but I couldn't go to the guy and tell him what really happened. So, I decided to dump him after a week. Anyway, I didn't see him that week. The next week we went out with a group of friends and I was going to tell him but I left too soon because my friend's dad picked us up early. So, I didn't dump him that night. The next day my friend told me not to dump the guy because his final exams were in a month and if I dump him he would not be able to study... I was indifferent. I had a boyfriend I sopke to once and never saw. I agreed to wait because I did not want to be the bitch that fucked up this guy's future... So, about 3 months later we finally broke up. Needless to say I wasn't heartbroken. I went out that night and a friend of mine came up to me and said that he heard I was single.. I said yeah. He said that was cool because a friend of his wanted to talk to me. I laughed and thought that history was repeating itself. I lied and said I was not in the mood to date anyone now because I was still getting over my boyfriend... Anyway, the friend asked permission to pass on my number and I said that was cool. A few days later this guy calls me. He was cute, but I never really spoke to him before. I found that he was funny. He told me that he has had a crush on me for a long time. He told me that he was going to ask me on a date the day he found out I was in a relationship. He told me that the not being able to have me was driving him crazy. We took things kinda slow and got to know each other. I found that his family knew almost everything about me before I knew their names. He was very into me and I liked that. I liked the attention. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed. I know that I agreed only because of the attention I was getting, but I ended up loving him more than anything. I have not been able to love anyone with as much passion as I loved him. There is a certain naievity to our first love. I guess that stems from the fact that we are ignorant to the fact that it can end. We don't know how much love that is lost can hurt. So, we love with every part of our being. And that I did, for almost 3 years I loved this man with every part of my being and my soul... and then things got weird. He started getting detached. He started lying. I found some girl calling more and more. I answered his phone once when she called. She called herself his girlfriend. I broke down and cried. I cried for a long time. I don't know if I cried for hours, days, or months... I don't know how long I spent at home avoiding people. I think I didn't eat for days or weeks or something. I was sick. People were forcing me to eat. I didn't want to see anyone. I took time off work and claimed I was out of the country.. I just did not want to get out of bed. I was only taking a few classes at school so I ditched class and lessons and everything. I just wanted to be alone and wallow in the pity of my destroyed life. A friend forced me to go out. We did. She made me laugh. I decided to never date a man again. Heartache sucks. This girls on again/off again dude started hanging out with us. One day he showed up at the place I was working. He said he needed to talk about her. I agreed. I wanted to be a good friend. The guy takes me to a place and instead of walking to the bar/cafe/restaurant he tries to take me to a hotel room. I freak out. So much for being a good friend. I leave him and tell him to never talk to me again. I go out with my friend the next day and I can't tell her about what happened. I decide instead to just convince her to stay "off again" and not to get back with him. He shows up. I get bitter. He acts normal. The night ends and the next day I meet my best friend again. We're having fun and then he shows up. The night ends and I just want to get home. The ass offers to drive us home. She accepts. He drops her off first because her house is closer and both of us live on the other side of town. We're in the car and I ask him to just drop me off and let me take a cab. I tell him that I haven't told her how much of an ass he is but if he doesn't leave me alone I will. He puts his hands on my leg and kisses me. He grabs my chest. I slap him. He tries again. He keeps trying and I hit him a few times. I can't remember the rest of the night. I know I got home safely in the end. I decide to tell her what happened. I have a feeling that she will not believe me.
He calls me the next morning. I don't answer. A few hours later he calls from another number. I answer this time. When I hear his voice I tell him not to call me again. He asks what I thought of the hotel room. He asks what I thought of his kissing. I tell him to go fuck himself. He asks me why I never told my friend about what happened that night. I hang up.
My friend calls me an hour later telling me that the guy told her everything that happened. She tells me that she knows I had sex with him. She says that he told her about how we would meet behind her back. She says she knows that I kissed him the night before in his car. I start crying and try to explain that he tried to have sex with me and I ran. I explain that I didn't know how to tell her. I try to tell her that he almost raped me the night before but she doesn't believe me. She thinks I am lying. I lose a best friend in that phone call and I lose all trust for men once again.
I hang up the phone and realize that I was alone. I detached myself from all my other friends because I was always hanging out with my best friend. The only people I knew were guys who were trying to date me. I serial dated them for a while because I didn't want to be alone. I dated a guy and got bored so I moved onto the next guy. I would date him for a while but then he would start getting serious and claimed that he loved me so I would run away because I didn't want serious.. I just wanted to not be alone. Next I dated a sweet guy for a while.. it was nice. I met his friends and I liked them. I was starting to get comfortable in the relationship. I could picture me being his girlfriend... then I found out he was lying about his religion.
I went out with a friend of mine for coffee to bitch about being lied to. We made palns for lunch the next day. We had lunch it was fun. We made plans for dinner the next night. We began hanging out everyday. I was liking it. He was a pilot and pilots are known for their flirtatious ways. He called me his girlfriend. I soon found out that he was calling a few other girls his girlfriend too.
Once again, I hated men.
I went out with a friend. We went out a lot. He is probably the only guy friend I have that hasn't hit on me before. He was the only guy who didn't lie to me. He is still one of the people closest to me even now.
Back to the assholes..
One day I am at my computer and a guy e-mails me. He was my ex-best friend's brother's best friend. We exchange e-mails back and forth. He asks why my friend and I aren't friends anymore. I refuse to tell. He tells me about how all her brother's friends were into me. He tells me how they all wanted to date me. I enjoy the attention. He asks me to go out for coffee. I say no. I want nothing to do with her or her brother or his friends. This guy is persistant. After a few months I agree. We go out for coffee.. he shows up with flowers. I smile. It is all downhill from here. We go out regularly. I am enjoying it. We date for a year. We break up for a while. We go out again. I am not very into him anymore. He feels this and becomes a jealous possessive man. I break up. He calls me a few months later and apologizes. He asks me to meet him for coffee. I refuse. He calls me a week later telling me how he needs advice and has no one to turn to . I am stupid and believe him. He knows that I am too nice of a person to turn away someone in need. I agree to meet him for coffee. He apologizes and says all the right things. Some part of me did still love him and think that it was the circumstances that were wrong. Our on again off again romance went on for a few years. One day at the lowest point I tell him that I can't do this anymore. I tell him that I am not happy. He tells me that I am not happy because it is not a serious commitment and he thinks we should get married. So, instead of breaking up with him I agree to marry him. We begin the process. He meets my family, I meet his. His mother is a bitch. My dad is the nicest man he has ever met. I go back to California. While I am there he starts flirting with my sister. He tells her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. I find out and my heart is broken. I dump him. He tries to get back together with me. I don't agree. He keeps trying. Somewhere in the middle of his attempts he hits me.
Once again I am in a horrible place because of a man. I have no trust left for men, I have no respect left for myself. I hate myself because of how men make me feel. I just want to be loved so I run into another man's arms. This time the man turns out to be married. Apparently, he told me but I forgot. He told me he doesn't love his wife and that he loves me. He told me that he can't leave her just yet. He told me that it was over long before he met me, but he felt trapped. He told me that he didn't want to ruin his kids' lives (yes, it tuns out he had kids too!!) and that is why he was still with her. He said that he couldn't leave me. He said that he loved me more than he loved anyone before. He still tries to contact me to this day and with every e-mail he sends me he crushes my faith and hope in men.
After that there is another guy. We date. Things don't work out. He just disappears for a while and then returns. He tells me that he was engaged the first time around. He tells me that he was not serious about the girl and his family forced it upon him. I tell him that I don't think I can forgive him.. and sure enough.. I figure out how to forgive him. We date for a while and then we get engaged. I liked his family. I hated his mom. She was mean to me. He hated it when I said she was mean. That caused problems between us. I feel alone when he didn't defend me. I got distant. Our plan for our life together kept changing and after a while I couldn't deal with it anymore. I loved him, but I needed to feel that he would protect and defend me. I felt neither. I felt ignored and alone. We broke up. He got married and named his daughter after me. Somehow, this crushed my faith in men again.
I dated another guy after that. The guy lied to me and I never spoke to him again. He started stalking me. He freaked me out.
After that I dated another guy. There was chemistry from the beginning. We had immense amounts of fun. We flirted. We laughed. We dated and the relationship was great. After a while things changed. He seemed distant. He was very flirtatious with other girls. He said I was too jealous. He never acknowledged that he was making me that way. He never acknowledged that he was feeding my insecurities. Things were rough. We broke up... After we broke up he admitted to having a crush on another girl while he was calling himself my boyfriend. He admitted to initiating flirting with other girls. He admitted to a lot of shit that did nothing other than kill my faith in men and destroy my ability to trust men alltogether.
Another guy appeared sometime after that and was a complete bastard. He liked the idea of dating a financially independent girl who could hold a conversation on many different levels. He liked the fact that I didn't need him. He didn't like the fact that I didn't let him control me. He didn't like the fact that I was intent on doing things how I wanted them. I was not his groupie and this made him try to control me more. We got into a fight. He acted like a bastard. I tried to give him the benefit of doubt and say he was just in a bad mood. He denied being in a bad mood and said that it was his right to be mean to me because I didn't hear my phone ring. I just laughed and walked away. I never spoke to him again.

So, I guess this is the dating history my friend told me to remember to try to figure out why I can't trust men. So, I will not act the victim and cry. I guess the next step would be to try and figure out why I chose these men. What is it that made me even enter these relationships?
Fuck... this is kinda sad and pathetic...
Men are fucking bastards!!!! and I am a fucking idoit!!!

The week that made me not want to drive again...

I used to love driving in Cairo. People would always talk about how crappy it was.. and I would always talk about how much fun it was.
That was true until recently. Recently I have become bitter with traffic. My commute from work is at least 30 minutes longer this year. That was pissing me off...
Last week was the worst.. last week I started to become scared of driving.

On Monday I was driving back from work and I saw a horrible accident. It was two cars ahead of me.
I saw a car flip over. I saw the faces on the people trapped inside. I saw a man's shoe (which I think was still on his foot) under the wheel of an 18 wheeler truck. I saw another huge truck with a ruptured gas tank. The gas was spilling all over the road. In the end there were 5 cars and 2 massive trucks involved. I wanted to cry. I wanted to park my car and never drive again. I was depressed for 2 days and just worried about my drives to work.

On Thursday I was driving and suddenly my car started swerving. It slid all the way to the left side of the road and then it slid all the way to the right side of the road. There were other cars around and I have no idea how they did not hit me. I am not sure, but I am guessing there was oil on the road and it was not cleaned up properly and that is what happened... but the not having control over anything scared the shit out of me.

I want to park my car and just stay home...

:(

Loving my students...

I love being a teacher. I love teaching first grade more than anything else. Actually, I don't think it is the teaching part I love as much as it is the watching these kids grow part.
Kids amaze me more than anything in the world. Two months ago sixty 5 year olds walked through my classroom doors. Some were scared, some were independent, some seemed ready to get out and face the "big kids world". They just finished kindergarten a few months earlier and everything changed then. The primary (elementary) school is in another buliding on the campus. There are few toys in the classroom this year. They have a lot of homework every night. They have mid year exams. They are expected to converse and write in three languages. They are expected to pay attention to a teacher for 6 hours of lessons a day. They are expected to learn and do so much. These kids are amazing. They have no idea how much they learn.
Every week I like to pick a few kids and go through their books with them and celebrate their accomplishments. I like to show them how much they have changed in the two months that I have been lucky to know them. I like to celebrate them so that they get to see a glimpse of how amazing they are.
I love how willing to love these kids are. There is an innocence in them that lets them love people completely. This is one of my favorite things about going to work everyday. I love walking into the school and hearing "Miss Nora is here!!!!!" and seeing 20 kids charge towards me with open arms. I love the fact that it takes me 20 minutes to walk across the playground because kids are running up to me to talk to me, to hug me, to share with me a story that makes them proud. These are the real reasons I love being a teacher. I love feeling this unconditional love that I wonder if I truly deserve or not.
I have this adorable student. He is a year younger than his peers and he is one of the brightest kids in class. He is a blonde haired, blue eyed, 100% Egyptian boy. Not surprisingly, his name is Ahmed. Ahmed is cute. He tries so hard to impress me. He runs and hugs me whenever he sees me. All teachers love him. Whenever another teacher talks to him.. he replies with.. "I love Miss Nora." He is cute. Sometimes I wonder what I do to deserve this child's love.
I have this other student. She started the year very shy and quiet. She was scared. She would get the deer in the headlights look whenever she was called on in class. She came to school in the morning and seemed to count the minutes before she could leave. Now this girl loves being in school. She speaks English so well now and is always trying to learn new words to tell me. She gets off the school bus in the morning and comes looking for me. She finds me and without saying a word she slips her hand into mine. She doesn't leave my hand until she absolutely has to join in the morning lines. She runs to me when I walk into the classroom for her English session. When it is their break (recess) or their lunch she starts looking for me. She asks all the teachers where I am. She has learned that if I am not outside I am in the classroom doing something. She comes and looks for me. Without saying a word she jumps on my lap while I mark books or chat with a teacher. She sits in my arms and spends her lunch break that way.
Last Thursday I was sick and was just about dying in my classroom. I just wanted to be alone and cry during lunch. She came and she found me. She jumped on my lap and into my arms and said she was feeling sick. She closed her eyes and I rocked her to sleep. It is weird, but as soon as she said she was feeling sick my heart hurt and I did not care how crappy I felt. I just wanted her to feel better.
I know that I might love these kids too much. This might be a sign that I should get married and have kids of my own. This might mean a lot of things.. but to me it means that I am able to love these kids as much as they love me. I am hopefully going to be a teacher they love and remember for years to come. I will hopefully be the best teacher I can be for them this year. To me this means I will continue to wake up every morning loving my job.

No more "former perfect guy"...

Ok, so some things have changed recently. Actually, not so recently... but whatever.

The "former perfect guy" is no longer former and no longer perfect.

We have decided to get back together and work though all the shit and try to make it work.
I have decided to set aside all my delusions and actually see him and this for what it is. So, with that said.. he is no longer called the "perfect guy". He is just "my guy"... oh wait.. "MY GUY". Have to use all caps because there are a million and one chicks a bit too flirtatious with him. He is mine bitches!! :o)

So, let's see... there were a few posts about him recently.. The guy I stood beside when he needed someone was him. (M & M I am going to have to disagree with your calling him a douche.. he is a bit nicer than that.)
The "friend" that came back to fix my car for me was also him. (See, I told you he was nicer than a douche.)

Anyway, I have never been in a relationship harder than this one. It is not hard because we disagree, it is hard because letting go of resentment from the first time around is not as easy as I thought it would be. It is hard because we are very much in love and very much trying to make it work. One of the hardest things for me is feeling not so great about us and seeing him do everything he can to make me feel better. I want to be able to do that too. I want to be able to give more to him... but right now I think it is my turn to take a bit. So, now it is hard more because we are both trying our hardest to keep the other person happy.
Ironically, it is hard but most of the time it feels effortless.
Well, not effortless... but I don't even know how to explain it anymore.

So, I am happy. I am trying. I am in love...
(and so is MY GUY)

So, wish us luck!

Trust issues...

I spent the weekend evaluating myself and some of my past relationships. I do this often, but rarely do I do it after a long in-depth and slightly painful conversation with a person who knows me well. He knows me as a friend, as a lover, as a partner making him bitter, as a bitter partner, as an ex lover, and recently as a partner he loves. We spoke about the first time around. We spoke about feelings both of us had and hid. We spoke about feelings that should have been apparent, but due to delusions weren’t. I should have known that he was bitter… and he should have known that I was disappointed, but we didn’t.
We spoke about my trust issues in relationships and that led me to a lot of thinking. I do have trust issues. It is hard for me to trust a person. Actually, it is not hard for me to trust people… it is hard for me to trust a partner. I don’t know what the difference is but I know there is one. I am fine as long as my partner is near me, but when he is not I begin to worry. Worry leads to the presence of my feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem and things just get ugly. So, why does that happen?
I don’t know why just yet, but I am working on it… but I wanted to first figure out the history behind it so I started looking at past relationships. I have a lot to say about that, I am just not sure what I want to say. I do know that I have made many wrong choices, whether by choosing the wrong person to love, choosing the wrong way to love someone, or choosing the wrong way to treat people.
I am trying to figure out why I have chosen so many of the same type of wrong. What attracts me to the same type of asshole? What makes me delusional and think that this time, with this asshole I can make things work? What makes me think that I can be happy? I guess that with these painful lessons one should have a better idea about what kind of asshole not to choose… but I don’t have that yet. So, I have decided to evaluate everything and get past my delusions, my lies to myself, and just get past all the bullshit and figure out all the reasons and factors behind my trust issues…
So, I can first say that I have dated few trustworthy men. I know this is true, but this is not what I am looking for. I am not looking to pass the blame onto others. I want to find the blame, lay it down and just deal with it. I want to rid myself of this shit once and for all.
I do know that I need to look at how I feel more closely. I know that I cannot ignore the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, unpleasant surprise, and disorientation ever again. I know that these are signs that things are not right. I know that if the picture in my head says one thing but the feelings in my heart say something else… than most likely the picture is wrong.
So, now I need to think about and evaluate those feelings that I am trying to suppress. I need to readjust the picture in my head. I need to see things clearly.
Any advice, ideas, thoughts?

I'm still smiling...

With the freedom of driving a car comes the responsibilty of minor repairs and other reasons to sacrifice a morning to your car...
Today I went and fixed my brakes and my A/C. I woke a friend up early and probably ruined the last day of his vacation to show me where the mechanic guy is. We go for coffee while we wait for the mechanic to fix my car. We go get the car and he drives it around to test it and then thinks he will set me on my way home. I surprise him with my question about a place to change the oil and all the other things one should change in the engine. So, he gets in his car and I follow him to a gas station. Once there he helps get the people to start doing what I want... I know he hates doing this shit for his own car and I ask him to leave. He makes sure all is well and he leaves. I watch the gas station attendant clean my car and I am happy.
A few minutes later I turn around and my friend is there... he came back so that I don't have to wait alone. I couldn't help but smile about that. Actually, I still can't help but smile. I think it means a lot that he had already left and was supposed to meet some friends that he hasn't seen in a long time. He was very much looking forward to being with them. He was already one his way... but he turned around and sacrificed a few more hours of the last day of his vacation.
I was not bitter about being in the gas station alone. I was not bitter at all that he left. I was grateful he sacrificed his morning to get my brakes done... but seeing him come back has made me smiley, giggly, and happy all day.
It is just cute when people are nice..
It's funny how the small things people do can make such a difference..
It is funny how perfect people can be.
It is cute how sweet this guy can be.

Saying goodbye...

Saying goodbye is part of the human experience, I get that.. but it still sucks.
Today one of my best friends moved away. I am not happy.

It is funny how this world seems so small most of the time... but then people move away and you are reminded of how big it really is..

I am going to miss the coffees and chats. I am going to miss having her listen to me while I bitch about life, love, and the like...
I am going to miss just hanging out...
I am going to miss her randomly passing by for a cigarette.
I am going to miss the stupid laughter...
Damn, I am going to fucking miss a lot!

I am in a shit mood...

Selfless love...

I used to wonder if I was capable of true love. I would wonder if I could really be as selfless as required to love someone truly. Saying that you love someone means that at times you put them before yourself, but that is not always easy.. is it?

Today I spoke to my dad. He had back surgery yesterday. I did think twice before I called to check up on him. As I dialed his number I remembered that when I had surgery and was in the hospital he did not call me. He did not call to check up on me when I was in terrible states of pain. He did not show that he cared. Even after remembering this I did not hang up. I did not want to pay him back for not calling by not calling him. I wanted to make sure he was ok. I put him before my wounded ego and pride. I realized that my love for him was greater than my own feelings of resentment. I thought about hanging up and letting him feel what it would be like to be ignored when he felt weak and sick. I thought about trying to make him feel neglected. I knew that I did not want to do that. Two wrongs don't make a right and I decided that I was going to be a bigger person. My relationship with my father was destroyed in the past year. I was not sure I would ever feel that I loved him again. As small as this phone call was... it reassured me that things might get somewhere closer to ok with my dad.


A few months after the "perfect guy" and I broke up we started talking again. We were trying to be friends. I was still in love with him then.. and I still am now. Anyway, we were going to go out for sushi. I was getting ready and hoping that things would go well. I was hoping that it would not be too hard for me to hang out with him and know that things are different. It is hard being with someone that you love so much and know that it is over. I was hoping that I would be able to be friends with him after all that happened... Then I get a call from him, he said he wanted to tell me something before we went out. Then he told me that there was another chick in his life and he really liked her and wanted to see where things would go. He gave me the option of bailing out on the evening... but I didn't. I managed to not start crying. It is hard knowing that someone you love has moved on. Hearing him say that hurt me so much. Hearing him say that made me wish I had a vodoo doll and believed in black magic. We went for sushi and we chatted and things went well. A few days after that he called me and was in a crappy mood. He was bitter with life and work and mainly her. He needed someone to talk to and I listened. A lot of girls would have advised him to leave her and not put up with her shit... I wish I was like most girls; instead I told him to go easy on her. I explained how he might be the cause of the problems. I tried to make him see that she was not that bad. I thought about him and what he needed to hear and I told him that. I neglected to think about how I wanted him to tell him that I loved him. I told him to think of the things he liked about her instead of the negatives he was harboring on. I told him to stop being so negative. I didn't even tell him that it was harsh of him to call me and tell me that stuff. I don't know why he came to me to talk that day, I doubt he was trying to be an asshole. I do think that he could not find anyone to listen to him at that time. Anyway, I proved that I was capable of selfless love at that moment. I respect being able to not push my own personal agenda at the expense of others or what is right...