Excuse the long post... but I swear this is the concise version!
I am having trouble with myself lately. I am having trouble with the "in a relationship" part of me.
I am in love with a man... and I have little voices in my head that are fucking it up.
I have been e-mailing a friend of mine about it. Actually, I have been seeking advice from almost everyone. I want to make this work... and I need help figuring out how to do that.
My friend told me to look at my dating history and come to terms with it all so I can understand why I am not able to trust easily.
So, here it is... my attempt at coming to terms with my dating history:
I have dated a lot. I always felt guilty about this. I know that my guilt has been induced by my opinionated Egyptian side of the family. My mom would think that there is nothing wrong with getting to know men. My dad would think that the best time to get to know a man is after you've taken his name and are carrying his baby. Since I was living with my dad's family but had the opinions of my mother.. I had to date in secret and that caused me to feel guilty about doing so...
I could never discuss heartaches I was feeling with anyone, so I ended up running to another man to talk to. I think that is how my toxic dating patterns began. I always needed someone who cared and was willing to listen to me bitch about my life. I felt bonded to these men because they listened and offered mediocre support. They felt like they were able to shelter and protect me so they were happy. Soon after that they became too protective, and too controlling. When that happened, I ran into the arms of the next man willing to listen to me bitch about the last guy and all the previous ones before...
I ran that theory by my friend and he thought it was progress but he also called it a lame attempt to feel like I am delving into my thoughts. He told me to man it up and search for the reasons behind my inability to trust people... so I was back to looking at my bitter memories...
So, lets see. Where did it all begin...
When I was 16 a friend of mine told me that his friend wanted to date me. I said no. The guy is a freak and has never said a word to me. How the fuck can he want to date me? So, my friend went back and told his friend that I agreed. Suddenly, I found myself this guy's girlfriend. The guy friend told me that he couldn't say no to the dude and just to dump him after a week.. I was pissed, but I couldn't go to the guy and tell him what really happened. So, I decided to dump him after a week. Anyway, I didn't see him that week. The next week we went out with a group of friends and I was going to tell him but I left too soon because my friend's dad picked us up early. So, I didn't dump him that night. The next day my friend told me not to dump the guy because his final exams were in a month and if I dump him he would not be able to study... I was indifferent. I had a boyfriend I sopke to once and never saw. I agreed to wait because I did not want to be the bitch that fucked up this guy's future... So, about 3 months later we finally broke up. Needless to say I wasn't heartbroken. I went out that night and a friend of mine came up to me and said that he heard I was single.. I said yeah. He said that was cool because a friend of his wanted to talk to me. I laughed and thought that history was repeating itself. I lied and said I was not in the mood to date anyone now because I was still getting over my boyfriend... Anyway, the friend asked permission to pass on my number and I said that was cool. A few days later this guy calls me. He was cute, but I never really spoke to him before. I found that he was funny. He told me that he has had a crush on me for a long time. He told me that he was going to ask me on a date the day he found out I was in a relationship. He told me that the not being able to have me was driving him crazy. We took things kinda slow and got to know each other. I found that his family knew almost everything about me before I knew their names. He was very into me and I liked that. I liked the attention. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed. I know that I agreed only because of the attention I was getting, but I ended up loving him more than anything. I have not been able to love anyone with as much passion as I loved him. There is a certain naievity to our first love. I guess that stems from the fact that we are ignorant to the fact that it can end. We don't know how much love that is lost can hurt. So, we love with every part of our being. And that I did, for almost 3 years I loved this man with every part of my being and my soul... and then things got weird. He started getting detached. He started lying. I found some girl calling more and more. I answered his phone once when she called. She called herself his girlfriend. I broke down and cried. I cried for a long time. I don't know if I cried for hours, days, or months... I don't know how long I spent at home avoiding people. I think I didn't eat for days or weeks or something. I was sick. People were forcing me to eat. I didn't want to see anyone. I took time off work and claimed I was out of the country.. I just did not want to get out of bed. I was only taking a few classes at school so I ditched class and lessons and everything. I just wanted to be alone and wallow in the pity of my destroyed life. A friend forced me to go out. We did. She made me laugh. I decided to never date a man again. Heartache sucks. This girls on again/off again dude started hanging out with us. One day he showed up at the place I was working. He said he needed to talk about her. I agreed. I wanted to be a good friend. The guy takes me to a place and instead of walking to the bar/cafe/restaurant he tries to take me to a hotel room. I freak out. So much for being a good friend. I leave him and tell him to never talk to me again. I go out with my friend the next day and I can't tell her about what happened. I decide instead to just convince her to stay "off again" and not to get back with him. He shows up. I get bitter. He acts normal. The night ends and the next day I meet my best friend again. We're having fun and then he shows up. The night ends and I just want to get home. The ass offers to drive us home. She accepts. He drops her off first because her house is closer and both of us live on the other side of town. We're in the car and I ask him to just drop me off and let me take a cab. I tell him that I haven't told her how much of an ass he is but if he doesn't leave me alone I will. He puts his hands on my leg and kisses me. He grabs my chest. I slap him. He tries again. He keeps trying and I hit him a few times. I can't remember the rest of the night. I know I got home safely in the end. I decide to tell her what happened. I have a feeling that she will not believe me.
He calls me the next morning. I don't answer. A few hours later he calls from another number. I answer this time. When I hear his voice I tell him not to call me again. He asks what I thought of the hotel room. He asks what I thought of his kissing. I tell him to go fuck himself. He asks me why I never told my friend about what happened that night. I hang up.
My friend calls me an hour later telling me that the guy told her everything that happened. She tells me that she knows I had sex with him. She says that he told her about how we would meet behind her back. She says she knows that I kissed him the night before in his car. I start crying and try to explain that he tried to have sex with me and I ran. I explain that I didn't know how to tell her. I try to tell her that he almost raped me the night before but she doesn't believe me. She thinks I am lying. I lose a best friend in that phone call and I lose all trust for men once again.
I hang up the phone and realize that I was alone. I detached myself from all my other friends because I was always hanging out with my best friend. The only people I knew were guys who were trying to date me. I serial dated them for a while because I didn't want to be alone. I dated a guy and got bored so I moved onto the next guy. I would date him for a while but then he would start getting serious and claimed that he loved me so I would run away because I didn't want serious.. I just wanted to not be alone. Next I dated a sweet guy for a while.. it was nice. I met his friends and I liked them. I was starting to get comfortable in the relationship. I could picture me being his girlfriend... then I found out he was lying about his religion.
I went out with a friend of mine for coffee to bitch about being lied to. We made palns for lunch the next day. We had lunch it was fun. We made plans for dinner the next night. We began hanging out everyday. I was liking it. He was a pilot and pilots are known for their flirtatious ways. He called me his girlfriend. I soon found out that he was calling a few other girls his girlfriend too.
Once again, I hated men.
I went out with a friend. We went out a lot. He is probably the only guy friend I have that hasn't hit on me before. He was the only guy who didn't lie to me. He is still one of the people closest to me even now.
Back to the assholes..
One day I am at my computer and a guy e-mails me. He was my ex-best friend's brother's best friend. We exchange e-mails back and forth. He asks why my friend and I aren't friends anymore. I refuse to tell. He tells me about how all her brother's friends were into me. He tells me how they all wanted to date me. I enjoy the attention. He asks me to go out for coffee. I say no. I want nothing to do with her or her brother or his friends. This guy is persistant. After a few months I agree. We go out for coffee.. he shows up with flowers. I smile. It is all downhill from here. We go out regularly. I am enjoying it. We date for a year. We break up for a while. We go out again. I am not very into him anymore. He feels this and becomes a jealous possessive man. I break up. He calls me a few months later and apologizes. He asks me to meet him for coffee. I refuse. He calls me a week later telling me how he needs advice and has no one to turn to . I am stupid and believe him. He knows that I am too nice of a person to turn away someone in need. I agree to meet him for coffee. He apologizes and says all the right things. Some part of me did still love him and think that it was the circumstances that were wrong. Our on again off again romance went on for a few years. One day at the lowest point I tell him that I can't do this anymore. I tell him that I am not happy. He tells me that I am not happy because it is not a serious commitment and he thinks we should get married. So, instead of breaking up with him I agree to marry him. We begin the process. He meets my family, I meet his. His mother is a bitch. My dad is the nicest man he has ever met. I go back to California. While I am there he starts flirting with my sister. He tells her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. I find out and my heart is broken. I dump him. He tries to get back together with me. I don't agree. He keeps trying. Somewhere in the middle of his attempts he hits me.
Once again I am in a horrible place because of a man. I have no trust left for men, I have no respect left for myself. I hate myself because of how men make me feel. I just want to be loved so I run into another man's arms. This time the man turns out to be married. Apparently, he told me but I forgot. He told me he doesn't love his wife and that he loves me. He told me that he can't leave her just yet. He told me that it was over long before he met me, but he felt trapped. He told me that he didn't want to ruin his kids' lives (yes, it tuns out he had kids too!!) and that is why he was still with her. He said that he couldn't leave me. He said that he loved me more than he loved anyone before. He still tries to contact me to this day and with every e-mail he sends me he crushes my faith and hope in men.
After that there is another guy. We date. Things don't work out. He just disappears for a while and then returns. He tells me that he was engaged the first time around. He tells me that he was not serious about the girl and his family forced it upon him. I tell him that I don't think I can forgive him.. and sure enough.. I figure out how to forgive him. We date for a while and then we get engaged. I liked his family. I hated his mom. She was mean to me. He hated it when I said she was mean. That caused problems between us. I feel alone when he didn't defend me. I got distant. Our plan for our life together kept changing and after a while I couldn't deal with it anymore. I loved him, but I needed to feel that he would protect and defend me. I felt neither. I felt ignored and alone. We broke up. He got married and named his daughter after me. Somehow, this crushed my faith in men again.
I dated another guy after that. The guy lied to me and I never spoke to him again. He started stalking me. He freaked me out.
After that I dated another guy. There was chemistry from the beginning. We had immense amounts of fun. We flirted. We laughed. We dated and the relationship was great. After a while things changed. He seemed distant. He was very flirtatious with other girls. He said I was too jealous. He never acknowledged that he was making me that way. He never acknowledged that he was feeding my insecurities. Things were rough. We broke up... After we broke up he admitted to having a crush on another girl while he was calling himself my boyfriend. He admitted to initiating flirting with other girls. He admitted to a lot of shit that did nothing other than kill my faith in men and destroy my ability to trust men alltogether.
Another guy appeared sometime after that and was a complete bastard. He liked the idea of dating a financially independent girl who could hold a conversation on many different levels. He liked the fact that I didn't need him. He didn't like the fact that I didn't let him control me. He didn't like the fact that I was intent on doing things how I wanted them. I was not his groupie and this made him try to control me more. We got into a fight. He acted like a bastard. I tried to give him the benefit of doubt and say he was just in a bad mood. He denied being in a bad mood and said that it was his right to be mean to me because I didn't hear my phone ring. I just laughed and walked away. I never spoke to him again.
So, I guess this is the dating history my friend told me to remember to try to figure out why I can't trust men. So, I will not act the victim and cry. I guess the next step would be to try and figure out why I chose these men. What is it that made me even enter these relationships?
Fuck... this is kinda sad and pathetic...
Men are fucking bastards!!!! and I am a fucking idoit!!!
