Trust issues...

I spent the weekend evaluating myself and some of my past relationships. I do this often, but rarely do I do it after a long in-depth and slightly painful conversation with a person who knows me well. He knows me as a friend, as a lover, as a partner making him bitter, as a bitter partner, as an ex lover, and recently as a partner he loves. We spoke about the first time around. We spoke about feelings both of us had and hid. We spoke about feelings that should have been apparent, but due to delusions weren’t. I should have known that he was bitter… and he should have known that I was disappointed, but we didn’t.
We spoke about my trust issues in relationships and that led me to a lot of thinking. I do have trust issues. It is hard for me to trust a person. Actually, it is not hard for me to trust people… it is hard for me to trust a partner. I don’t know what the difference is but I know there is one. I am fine as long as my partner is near me, but when he is not I begin to worry. Worry leads to the presence of my feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem and things just get ugly. So, why does that happen?
I don’t know why just yet, but I am working on it… but I wanted to first figure out the history behind it so I started looking at past relationships. I have a lot to say about that, I am just not sure what I want to say. I do know that I have made many wrong choices, whether by choosing the wrong person to love, choosing the wrong way to love someone, or choosing the wrong way to treat people.
I am trying to figure out why I have chosen so many of the same type of wrong. What attracts me to the same type of asshole? What makes me delusional and think that this time, with this asshole I can make things work? What makes me think that I can be happy? I guess that with these painful lessons one should have a better idea about what kind of asshole not to choose… but I don’t have that yet. So, I have decided to evaluate everything and get past my delusions, my lies to myself, and just get past all the bullshit and figure out all the reasons and factors behind my trust issues…
So, I can first say that I have dated few trustworthy men. I know this is true, but this is not what I am looking for. I am not looking to pass the blame onto others. I want to find the blame, lay it down and just deal with it. I want to rid myself of this shit once and for all.
I do know that I need to look at how I feel more closely. I know that I cannot ignore the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, unpleasant surprise, and disorientation ever again. I know that these are signs that things are not right. I know that if the picture in my head says one thing but the feelings in my heart say something else… than most likely the picture is wrong.
So, now I need to think about and evaluate those feelings that I am trying to suppress. I need to readjust the picture in my head. I need to see things clearly.
Any advice, ideas, thoughts?

I'm still smiling...

With the freedom of driving a car comes the responsibilty of minor repairs and other reasons to sacrifice a morning to your car...
Today I went and fixed my brakes and my A/C. I woke a friend up early and probably ruined the last day of his vacation to show me where the mechanic guy is. We go for coffee while we wait for the mechanic to fix my car. We go get the car and he drives it around to test it and then thinks he will set me on my way home. I surprise him with my question about a place to change the oil and all the other things one should change in the engine. So, he gets in his car and I follow him to a gas station. Once there he helps get the people to start doing what I want... I know he hates doing this shit for his own car and I ask him to leave. He makes sure all is well and he leaves. I watch the gas station attendant clean my car and I am happy.
A few minutes later I turn around and my friend is there... he came back so that I don't have to wait alone. I couldn't help but smile about that. Actually, I still can't help but smile. I think it means a lot that he had already left and was supposed to meet some friends that he hasn't seen in a long time. He was very much looking forward to being with them. He was already one his way... but he turned around and sacrificed a few more hours of the last day of his vacation.
I was not bitter about being in the gas station alone. I was not bitter at all that he left. I was grateful he sacrificed his morning to get my brakes done... but seeing him come back has made me smiley, giggly, and happy all day.
It is just cute when people are nice..
It's funny how the small things people do can make such a difference..
It is funny how perfect people can be.
It is cute how sweet this guy can be.

Saying goodbye...

Saying goodbye is part of the human experience, I get that.. but it still sucks.
Today one of my best friends moved away. I am not happy.

It is funny how this world seems so small most of the time... but then people move away and you are reminded of how big it really is..

I am going to miss the coffees and chats. I am going to miss having her listen to me while I bitch about life, love, and the like...
I am going to miss just hanging out...
I am going to miss her randomly passing by for a cigarette.
I am going to miss the stupid laughter...
Damn, I am going to fucking miss a lot!

I am in a shit mood...