I do not know what triggered it, but today I was overwhelmed with a sense of grief, emptiness, and loss. Today was full of memories of a former boyfriend. He was a great guy. He made me happy and he made me laugh. He promised me forever and I believed him. He promised me he would make me happy until the end… and he did… until the end of his time that is.
We met randomly. We just started chatting at a place we both randomly happened to be in. I hated the place.. but I made excuses to get my friends there more and more. He said he did the same. I wanted to be there and randomly run into him. Things happened very slowly. Every step took forever. After many “random” meetings we exchanged numbers. We spoke a lot. We spent hours and hours on the phone. I felt so close to him. I told him so much about me. He told me so many of his secrets. We were comfortable with each other. We started dating and we had so much fun. We went away together. We hung out together. We did our own thing too. It was perfect. He was one of those “wild guys”. He was crazy at times, but you could always see his niceness and sincerity in everything that he did. He was the nicest “wild guy” that I knew. He was sexy as hell. He worked out and you could tell. He had an amazing body and everything he wore seemed to make him look sexier than anyone else around.
I was in love with him and he was in love with me. We were happy.
So, why am I talking in the past tense? Well, fast forward a year into the relationship and we are on the phone. I am tired and do not want to go out so I tell him that I love him and I hope he has fun with his friends. He tells me he loves me forever. I ask him to be careful and not to go too crazy. He wishes me sweet dreams and says he’ll call me tomorrow. He says he loves me forever again.
I go to sleep with a smile on my face. “I love you forever” is such a sweet thing to hear before you sleep. I smile and I think of him. I wake up the next morning in a grumpy mood. Nothing was wrong, but I just was not happy.
I wait until the afternoon and I try to call him because I know that he will rid me of this foul mood.
I call and there is no answer.
I wait because he must be still asleep, he must have stayed out late with his friends.
I wait an hour and I call again.
No answer.
I wait more and I call again.
No answer still.
I keep trying and trying and there is still no answer.
I try until about 10 pm before there was an answer.
I smile and say hello baby.. only, it wasn’t my baby on the other end. It was his friend… he was crying hysterically. He just kept saying that my baby was not going to talk to me. He said he was gone.
The room spun as I listened.
I did not want to believe him.
I hung up the phone to make it all stop. His friend was wrong.
I called another friend.
“Hello. Is it true?”
I don’t like the answer.
I hang up.
I cry.
I call another friend.
I need one person to tell me that this is just a horrible joke. A sick game someone is playing.
“Hello, Is it true?”
I hang up again.
I just drop my phone and start shaking. I was with friends in the middle of a party.
I just stand, shake, and cry. Everything was moving around me. Things were going so fast… but I was still. I could not move. My heart was hurting. I was hurting. I wanted him to hold me and make me feel better. He could not hold me anymore.
He was gone.
He went that night. He got in a car with a friend. There was a bad accident. When he got out of that car he was dead. He went to what I hope is a better place. He went to where I hope he is happy.
The last thing he said to me was “I love you forever”.
He did love me for his forever…
