"Fat jeans"...

We all have "fat jeans"..
The jeans that still fit us after our weekend love affair with Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry.
The jeans that are nice to us when our asses get wider and wider...

We all have "I'll diet and they will fit fine jeans"..
The jeans that are mean to us and make the world a dark place. The jeans that remind us of our freshman year in high school. The cruel jeans that we do not really like much.. but we still cannot throw them away!

Well, I am happy to say that my fat jeans are way too fat now.. and my "i'll diet and they will fit fine jeans" actually fit fine now!!!

:o)

Breaking up....

Breaking up...
It is such a violent word. It is a word that means destruction.
That is exactly how I felt... like everything is and was destroyed. Like life was suddenly too hard to live.
Everything hurt. Breathing hurt. Crying hurt. Being alone hurt. Being with others hurt.
I missed him. Everything reminded me of him and made me miss him.
Everything still does remind me of him and makes me miss him.

This time along with missing him comes his memory. Remembering him, and the good times, the laughter, the fun times...

but the emptiness too....

The nights when I would go to sleep crying because he disappointed me once again.
The nights when I would lay awake in bed trying to understand the mean comment he made. Trying to understand why he was hurting me when he was such a "nice guy".
Trying to understand why I would rarely feel as good as I used to with him.
Trying to understand what was keeping me there....

I tried telling him about those feelings that I had. I do not know if he ever listened to me when I spoke. I do not know if he cared. I like to think that he would have... but I really do not know.
I used to tell my friends. I used to try to make sure that I was not over-reacting. I wanted to know that I was a good person and not this horrible bitch he made me feel like at times.

I had a problem understanding why I felt this way because he was "the perfect guy"... perfect guys do not make women feel unappreciated. Perfect guys to not make women cry in their beds at night.... When I would, I saw it as me being too emotional. I saw it as me being wrong...

My friends would agree with me... that he is a great guy generally... but he was not being this great guy with me at times.

I do not know why...
I do not know if it is because once you get in a relationship you just get comfortable and begin taking people for granted. I do not know if it is that people generally stop trying with the people they have.
I do not know why...

So, with his memory I wonder why I was not more vocal about not being happy all the time. I wonder when I lowered the limits to what I would accept in a relationship....
I wonder when "just ok" came to mean the same as "perfect guy".

I am not bashing him because he is my ex and I am bitter. I am just thinking about this and trying to learn from it. I am trying to see the places where I allow people to stop appreciating me. Trying to see when and how I fall into the rut of unhappiness.

I actually do not want to "bash" him. I still love him. I still want him around. I still do not understand why things are this way. I still hurt...
But, there are parts of me that are ok with this breakup. There are parts of me that can see the good of this breakup. There are parts of me that are less vulnerable and needy.

There are parts of me that are more than ok.... and I know that the rest of me will be there soon enough .

So, why did I stop holding him accountable? When did I stop holding him accountable?

Why did I not walk out when I realized that things as they were sucked.... oh wait.. that is because I saw him and "us" as being worth it. I knew that I could handle putting the effort to learn from the relationship. I was willing to make it work...

Because I did not want out when things were less than peachy....

So, I know that I loved him. I know that I still do love him.
I also know that I hurt.. and I am comforted by the fact that I do.. because it means that I am human. It means that I am able to love.
It also means that I am strong enough to lose him and be ok. I am strong enough to be fine with myself...
And that is a much better place than I have been before...

So, this is not to bash him.... this is to thank him for letting me know that I am strong and ok.

Stronger...

Sometimes all you need is a plan...

I was at one of the lowest points I have been at for a long time. I was worried about myself...
I saw no point and no hope...

I went out and met 2 of my closest friends. It was a time for just supporting me and listening to me and helping me... and that is what I needed.
I needed people who loved me to be around me. I needed people who were committed to trying to make me better at a time I so desperately needed it.

I spoke candidly about everything. They helped me put my thoughts into words.
They helped me think about what I need to do...

They helped me make a plan....

They helped me realize I am not alone.

They are helping me tremendously...

Probability...

Well, according to the laws of probability... my life should getting better sometime soon.

A shattered heart...

Well, that is it..
I am seriously watching everything in my life worth anything dwindle away.
My life fucking sucks.....

On top of everything that was ruining my life before now this...
Now, it's over.
Now my heart is broken along with my rose colored glasses.

The perfect guy is no longer mine. Maybe I drove him crazy, maybe I didn't. Maybe he is better off. Maybe I am better off...
I do not care...
This hurts.

I cannot breath.
I am hyperventilating.

I want to hug him. I want him to hold me and wipe away the tears.
I do not want him to be the reason that I hurt so much now.
I want to kiss him. I want to feel his lips and his skin. I want to look in his eyes and see how much he loves me. I want to look in his eyes and know he wants me.
I want to tell him that I hate him. I want to scream and shout and say all the mean things that are on my mind. I want to look in his eyes and see as much pain as I see in mine. I want to tell him that he is selfish and that he is a bastard.
I want to tell him that I love him and I want to tell him that I hate him too.

I don't want him to be the reason that I want to run away from it all.. or just give up on it all.

I know myself well, I know that I cannot handle this.

I am not ok...

Waiting...

I sit here waiting for him to arrive. My stomach is tied in knots.


I am looking forward to seeing him. I have not seen him in a while.


I missed him, well I think I did.


Honestly though.. it was good to be away from him. It was good to not feel pressured by him during a time when I want nothing but his support. During a time when I wanted nothing but him to hold me and make me feel better...


He just called..


He made me smile.



I am worried about us. I am more worried that I feel I cannot talk to him about my worries.



I am worried about my own feelings now as much as I am worried about his. I was scared of him not wanting me.. I realized that I am even more afraid of me not wanting him. I want to want him... not because I want a man.. but because I want him.

But.. I want him to want me. I know he does... well, I do not know. I think he does. But I want to know. I want him to tell me in so many words. I want him to make me feel it. I want him to show it. I want him to not make me feel like he is not indifferent.

I know that is him and that is his way. But this is me, and this is want I want and need.

This is what will make me happy... and I decided to no longer let myself be unhappy.

Life has shown me over and over again that it will make me unhappy. That there will be many things out of my control that will make me curl into a pathetic ball and cry.. but there are things that I let make me unhappy. Things that are in my control, but I choose to not control them. I choose to accept good enough...

Well, good enough is no longer good enough.

I want more.

I will demand more. And for those who think "more" is too much for me, well, then we are not seeing things the same way.. and I will no longer share their view.

If people think this more that I demand is more than I deserve... than they do not deserve my attention.



So, I am waiting for him to arrive.. and I am waiting for him to show me what he thinks I deserve.

The ball is in his court.. and he can let me know if he deserves me or if he doesn't...



My stomach is in knots.. because I really want him to deserve me.

Weakness and tears....

I have been trying to be strong. I have been tring to handle everything on my own. I have been watching my life crumble and I have tried to not be bothered. I was trying to be strong.
Yesterday was hard. I was in a bad place. I bad place emotionally. It all hit me hard once again. It bothered me more than I could handle.
I was strong. I was stronger than I have ever been.
I was so full of rage and hatred... but I was strong.
After that I ran, I ran away from everything that was hurting me.
I got it as far away from my thoughts as I could.
I tried to avoid it all.. but I couldn't. Maybe I could have.. but I think I really did not want to.
I went out with a friend. I went out with the intention of just forgetting it all... but I did not.
I went out with her and I talked about what I could talk about.
I admitted my fears and my weaknesses.
I admitted that I am freaking out.
I admitted that at most times I cannot breath because of all the shit I am going through.
I spoke about all the selfish people around me.
I spoke about my fears.
I cried... and I cried... and I cried.
And I felt better.
Things did not get solved.. things did not get better.
I am still not looking at the world through the rose colored glasses that I used to possess... I shattered them into a million little pieces a long time ago.
But, I am not holding it all on.
The thoughts are not hanging on every breath that I take.
I felt a relief and it felt good....

This world is a scary place... but once in a while you realize that there are some great people out there and that they make this world a little nicer to be in.

To my friend from yesterday: Thank you and I love you... You will never know how much you helped me yesterday...

To myself: You are strong.. but you are not superwoman. Show your weaknesses. Cry when you need to.

It's a fat world after all...

Ok.. we all know that Americans for the most part are overweight...

but this is pathetic!!!

"It's a fat world after all"

The Pee Pee Dance...

sometimes i sit around and have absolutely nothing useful on my mind.
I will be quiet and full of thought.. but they are useless thoughts.

Like now, I am thinking about how I have been awake for 4 hours and I still have not gone to the bathroom. I am wondering how many more hours I can go.

I am trying to hold it and do the pee pee dance for a few hours!

Hmm, see.. completely useless thoughts.

Now I am wondering whether I should have shared this with the world or not....

What kind of stupid thoughts do you have?

A so called friend...

Last year I knew a girl. I thought she was a kick ass person. I thought she was strong, honest, and real.

I did not know she was a liar.
I did not know everything about her was fake.
I did not kow everything she said was a lie.

Last year some friends and I sat together and came to realize that she is a liar. We found out that every story she has told us is not true. We found that everything she has told me contradicts what she has told someone else. We found out that she is a pathological liar with some serious fucked up issues.

I thought that the similarities in our lives was a coincidence. I did not realize that she was jealous to that extent. I did not realize that she was making all that shit up.

I thought that the men she knew were only friends... I did not realize why they all treated her as more than a friend. I did not realize that she has probably slept with them all.

I thought she hated my boyfriend and thought I deserved better. I did not realize that she was grabbing his ass as he held me. I did not realize that the necklines got lower and lower whenever he was around.

I thought she would be happy for me when I got offered a kick ass job. I did not know that she would go behind my back and apply for the same one. I did not know that she would start talking shit about me to the people I used to work with.

I valued her and her friendship. I was naive and thought that she was a real friend.

Even in the end, I went to her to tell her how pissed off I was with all that I found out. I told her that she should change her lifestyle because she deserved better. I still went to her as a friend to end the friendship.

And she still decided to talk shit about me.

I am glad I was the naive one, I would much rather be naive than fucked up like her. I would much rather be naive than a whore like her. I would much rather be naive than a fucked up liar like her.