Pressure....

Things have gotten to me once again.
I really can't take it anymore.
My eyes are filled with tears and I am trying my hardest to fight them back.
I wanted desperately yesterday to talk to someone... I just need to let it all out.
I think I just need to cry.
I think I just need a shoulder to cry on.
I just need a non-judgemental person to listen to me.
A guy I do not know very well has offered to listen to me talk about it all....
I have been thinking of taking him up on his offer.
At the same time, I feel like I cannot tell anyone else. I feel like it has fucked up enough already.

Exactly 1 year ago life was great. I was happy. I was exactly where I wanted to be in life. I was enjoying everything. I was the most important person to myself.
I was happy.....

Today I am not like that. I am not happy. I feel alone. I feel like I am barely coping. I feel like I cannot deal with this much longer. I am scared.
Maybe these are the sick thoughts I was told I should keep to myself.

I am trying to force myself to not deal with what is going on in order to have something that resembles a normal life. The thing is that trying to act normal is draining me more. People are putting more pressure on me than I can deal with now.

Everybody, please leave me alone for a while!!!

Please!!!

Relationships...

I am a self-proclaimed former relationship addict.

I have been in a lot more relationships than I think is healthy. I would move from one relationship to another to avoid feeling the pain of being alone.
I guess having a guy say he loved me was a lot easier for me than saying I love myself.
I needed someone to love me. Sadly, I think I have to admit that this probably stems from some former "daddy issues".

Damn, I think my family has fucked me up a lot more than they should have been allowed to do.
Anyway, back to relationships.

I loved being in relationships.
As I look back at my previous relationships I am not sure why I was addicted to them. I have been analyzing why I entered that relationship, and how it affected me, and where that person and I stand now.

I realized that the reason "rebound" had to be used a lot more than I liked.

I am still trying to figure out why I needed people so much.

I am still trying to figure out why rebound relationships dragged themselves out so long.

I did realize that I suck at breaking up with people.

I did find that not all of them were rebound relationships. I had some very strong relationships and as I looked back I found that I do miss those people somehow.

I am worried that I became a bit more jaded with each relationship.

I think that because of the many breakups I have been through it is hard for me to feel secure anymore. It is hard for me to believe that anything is forever. That is scary. I know that nothing really is forever.. but I enjoyed being delusional.

I used to regret some of the relationships, but I think I do not anymore. I think I learned abit about myself with them..

Working hard for nothing....

I do not know what is going on with me these days. I feel like nothing is in my control anymore. I feel that no matter how hard I try to control my life that I in fact control nothing.
Maybe I am too passive most of the time...
But even in the things I am not passive about. The things that I sought and worked hard for are not working. I tried really hard.. and i the end it seems like it was not enough..
My one goal in life was to be happy... and oddly enough I cannot achieve it.
Well, I am happy sometimes.. but it is always a temporary state. It is just for a while and then things go back to whatever they were like before...
Why is happiness not the norm?
Why do I see and feel everything being destroyed but there is nothing I can do?
How come I cannot make things work, no matter how badly Iw ant to or how hard I try...

Why am I a fucking failure all the time?

Why am I so fucking depressed?

God, Help me!!