Sluts...

In an attempt to stop being negative I will quote something that made me laugh this morning. A recent conversation I had with someone.

Him: I have to tell you , It is a great disappointment to know that you are not stalking me .One can use a blondie every now and then ,you know?..

Me: I am so sorry to disappoint you..You are more then welcome to spread rumors that I am stalking you. They say that any kind of publicity is good publicity... :o)
"One can use a blondie every now and then.." Sadly, that is not the first time I have heard that in this country!! God bless Egypt!! Only here am I a "blondie"!

Him: Yes .. any trace of un-blackness in your hair makes u a blondie here in Egypt.

Me: Yeah, I have noticed in Egypt you are a blondie or black haired.. I am not sure what you call the black haired girls who try to be blondies but forget to start at the roots...
anyway...

Him: We call the black haired girls who try to be blondes but forget to start at the roots, sluts.
actually we call all the girls sluts .. unless her brother is sitting with us or something ..
yeah we are a bunch of disgusting human beings.

On the verge...

People see me these days as different.
I try to be happy, but I am not.
I try to have fun, but I cannot.
I try to sit with people and talk, but there is always a part of my mind that is off somewhere else. It is off on its own in a dark and scary place.
I try to smile, but there is a permanent sadness in my eyes.
I am broken.
People think I am weak because they feel I cannot handle my problems.

No one really know what is going on in my life.
No one knows the scary shit I have seen recently.
No one know how my life, my happiness, and myself have been crushed and shattered.

You think I am weak. I think I am strong.

I think that I am handling shit that none of you could handle.
I think that I can handle a lot more than people give me credit for.
I think I can be dealing with some dark and scary shit and not have anyone know the magnitude of what is happening. I hide it from everyone I hide the darkest details. I try to hide how badly it has fucked my world. nd I succeed.

I do not have to be jolly. At times, I am surprised that I am alive. I have faced bad times before. Everytime things got very bad I would wonder why I am alive and whether life is worth it or not. I would wonder how a just God could put me through all of this. I would wonder why my heart had to break so many times. Never in my life hve things been as bad as they are now.
This time I am not like that. I am stronger now than I ever was.
Maybe all the shit in my life was there to help prepare me for this.

Of course this has taken its toll on me. It has taken its toll mentally, physically, and emotionally.

So.. I am not jolly. I am fucked. At best, I am dealing... and that is all I can do now.

Do not judge me because I am affected by this.
Do not judge me because you think you could handle this better than I can.
I do not care what you can do.
You are lucky enough to be a passer by. I am the one who is living this.. and i am the one who will deal with it in my own way.

If you do not like it.. just leave!
I do not need anymore bullshit in my life!

Beauty...

My father's family is very much interested, controlled, and fixated on beauty.
I think that they feel if you are beautiful you are worthy.
Those who are not beautiful have no worth.
Somewhere inside their sick heads I think they feel a woman is only of value if she is pleasing to the eyes.
As sick as I think this thought is, I think it has had some effect on me. I think that I am useless on the days that I feel ugly. Those days I just wish the world would swallow me up.
On the days that I think I look good I feel like I own the world.
I need people to tell me they think I am beautiful.
Growing up with them I cannot remember them celebrating any accomplishment of mine, except maybe getting my hair done or some new makeup that makes me look good.
They think they are better than a lot of people because overall they are attractive. They are sick. They are shallow.
I had back surgery recently. 3 weeks after the surgery I could not walk or stand a lot. Regardless of this fact I packed all my shit up and jumped on a trin with 2 suitcases to get to New Jersey. I was in pain when I arrived. The next day was the day I would jump on a plane and head back to Egypt.
I wore jeans and a t-shirt for the ride. I had my hair in a ponytail. I had no makeup on.
As soon as my grandmother saw me she told me to go straighten my hair and put some makeup on. She disregarded the fact that I could barely walk because I was in pain. She wanted me to try to make myself look pretty.
Their fucked up way of thinking has fucked me up in the head and helped fuck up my self esteem!

Fucked up by a dream...

I had a horrible dream last night.
I cannot remember a time when I had such a horrible dream.
Normally when you have a bad dream you wake up in the morning and you either are in a crappy mood because of the dream.. or you just acknowledge that the dream was bad and you move on. My dream fucked me up a lot more than that.
Last night my dream was so bad I could not bear it. it was so bad it actually kept waking me up. Even as I slept I tried to escape from the dream by waking myself up. Unlucky for me.. I could not escape it and kept falling back into the dream.
Each time it was exactly the same. It was eerily vivid and real.
I would wake up and for few seconds not understand if I was still dreaming or if my dream was real or if it was all over. Today I am somber and worried as a result of this dream.
I hate being fucked up by a dream.

Life sometimes deals us too much shit...

I have no idea what I want to say. but I do have a head full of thoughts...

I woke up today feeling quite alone.
I think it might be because I am pms-ing and I really do not want to deal with people. I also think it might be because last night I was thinking about how I am disappointed by some of my friends. I am the kind of friend who does a lot for my friends. Maybe I do a lot of small things. but I do a lot. I always try to make things easier for people. I will spend a lot of my energy in order to save theirs for them. I care about people. I expected that my friends would have done more for me recently. Expected to feel that they give a damn a bit more. Oh well, you live and you learn I guess.

I might be thinking a lot about feeling alone because of a recent realization that my family is a lot more fucked up than average. My father does not give a damn about anyone other than himself. This is not me being dramatic.. this is me being honest. I am not going to play the "daddy's little girl" game anymore. I do not know what scares me more; realizing he does not give a damn.. or realizing that I do not give a damn. Both are horrible... and both are my reality.
Sometimes my family dynamics make me feel like I am a horrible person. At best I can tolerate my family.. at worst.. I hate them with all my heart. I do not know why that makes me feel bad. My family has done nothing to deserve more from me. I do not even know why I call them my family. I mean my father's family.

Another thing that makes me feel fucked up is my amazing guy. I am not sure I will be able to explain why he makes me feel like shit sometimes. I felt like shit last night as I was falling asleep. I was on the phone with my guy for about 2 hours before I slept last night. I was lonely and emotional and just fucked up mentally. I wanted him to be near me so badly. We disagreed about stupid things. He wanted me to stay at home because my back was killing me. I wanted to go out with him. It is a stupid topic. I have no clue how it took so long to resolve on the phone last night. I do not know whyI blamed him when he was really trying to take care of me. So, as I rested my head on my pillow and drifted to sleep I felt like shit. I felt horrible for making him bear that. I felt like shit for putting too much on his plate and expecting him to handle it. I regretted the whole phone call.

So, I am left wondering what can I do when I cannot deal with the amount of shit that I have been dealt in life? Who can I depend on if not friends, family, or my perfect guy?

PMS

Today I was a psycho bitch. I was evil. I was emotional. I cried for no reason for 4 hours. I was irrational. I was a "hideous creature".

I will be like this for 4 more days....



Ah, what a shitty time of the month this is.



I made my boyfriend's life miserable. He was doing almost everything right and I still blamed him for not doing enough. He would talk to me and I would just cry and ask him to stop geting mad. I would not listen to him at all. I was frustrating the hell out of him.. but he was still absolutely perfect. OK, maybe not absolutely perfect.. but I doubt any guy could be as great as he is.

PMS is evil! or whatever the hell this is.. it is bad!


On a semi-related note:
I did notice that my chest is huge.. I think it is pretty cool how that works. Women become psycho unbearable creatures from hell, but their breasts grow. Men are happy with the bigger chests and they become semi-distracted from how bitchy we are.
Our swollen chests save us from ruining our relationships!