I will...

Why do I try to fit myself into everybodys' definition of perfect?
Why do I require myself to measure up to standards enforced by so many people?

• I will create my own definitions of perfection and only those are what I will strive for.
• I will only measure myself against my own standards.
• I will not be so afraid of anger. I won't always assume that people will leave me when they get angry. I'll let them be angry. I'll let myself be angry. I'll cool down and see how it goes.
• I'll know what I want. I'll define it clearly. I'll vocalize it. I won't be so willing to give up everything. I'll know how much I can compromise and I won't willingly always give more but at the same time I'll accept that compromise is ok and I will not feel deserted if I need to compromise.
• I'll stop apologizing for who I am and how I feel. If peope don't like me, I'll be ok. If people don't think I am perfect it doesn't mean that I need to try harder.
• I will define myself and I will not be a definition created by someone else.
• I will try to analyze myself more and try to constantly better myself.
• I will stop trying to please everybody.
• I will stop trying to run away from everything that is emotional.
• I will stop letting my emotions take control of me.
• I will let people do as much for me as I do for them.
• I will be honest with myself.
• I will take care of myself.

A life of near misses...

There have been many times in my life that I just barely get out of something that could cause fatal harm. Many times that I change my mind at the last minute. Many times when things just take their own course that is just too close to something bad.
I think about it and I feel lucky. It makes me feel like someone is watching out for me.
I am very thankful that I just get close. Close enough to know I am lucky, close enough to look back and thank god.
There was a time that I went to my friend's beach house with her and her family. We went in 2 cars. As we were leaving I was going in her mom's car. At the last second my friend and I decided to get in her dad's car because he let us control the music. On the way back her mother got into an accident. She was hurt bad and her brother died. I am thankful I did not get in that car.
Many years ago I was out with my friends. We decided to go to the movies. We bought our tickets and were in line to enter the theater. While I was waiting I decided I missed spending time with my family. I decided to not see the movie and to go home. During that movie the theater caught on fire. Some people died, some people were burnt, most people suffered from inhaling the smoke. I am thankful I did not watch the movie that day.
Six years ago I was on my way to visit family. I got on the plane and enjoyed the flight. I arrived and a few hours later 4 planes were hijacked. The date was September 11th, 2001. I am thankful that I chose the earlier flight.
A while back I was staying at my grandmother's house. I woke up early and got dressed because I had a lot of errands to run. I drank my coffee and sat with my grandmother. I decided to have a second cup of coffee and to spend a little more time listening to her stories. I figured it was early and my first errand was only 5 minutes away. I left my house and jumped in a cab. At my destination it was utter chaos. A bomb had exploded there minutes earlier. I am thankful I drank that second cup of coffee.

Stories like these and the many others make me feel lucky. I like to think that someone or something is looking out for me.

Now I can add to this list the fact that I was almost paralyzed.
The day I went to the hospital was the day I was planning to drive up to New Jersey to visit family and spend the last few days before I returned to Egypt.
The doctor said that had I driven up to New Jersey I would have been paralyzed before I arrived. If not then, definitely before I got off the plane in Egypt. The nerve that was being pressed by the disc would not have been able to withstand that journey.
So, once again I am thankful that I went to the hospital.
There are a lot of tiny details to the surgery that just fell into place and had things happened even slightly different there might have been very negative consequences.

So.. I am thankful for a lot....

First footsteps

I started to walk again.
To all of you, that might seem like nothing. No big deal...
But to me, it is.
I have been in bed for about 2 weeks now. I was unable to move on my own.
Yesterday things changed. I was able to take a few steps on my own.
I could walk without help.
I cannot walk a lot. It still does hurt a little, but every step makes me feel so much better. Makes me feel a little closer to a complete recovery.

Feels funny to celebrate footsteps when you're 27....
I think I am happier now celebrating these than when i was celebrating the first footsteps I took 26 years ago.

About a guitar...

I always dreamt of playing the guitar. I never took lessons. I never even bought a guitar.
But it is still a dream of mine.
I think there is so much power in a song played only with a guitar. The mellow-ness of the music just takes me away to a calm place. A place where I can think happy thoughts and feel that this world is an ok place to live.
I do not need to listen to the words of the song.. just the melody. The notes played on the guitar. After a few seconds I am relaxed. I am happy.
I really hope that at some point in my life I stop dreaming and start learning to play the guitar.
Until then I will just listen and dream....

Mutterings of a drugged up mind....

Ok...
6 days have passed since my surgery... They were painful.. but I guess they would have been much worse had I not been so drugged up. I guess I have been basically drugged up since last Friday.

Friday was the first time I ever took Morphine. As soon as it was injected into my IV I understood why people get addicted. I was in the hospital in so much pain, my eyes were filled with tears because it hurt so much.

The nurse came in and told me it would all be better soon.

Damn, was she right!

Instantly I could feel my whole body get warm. Life seemed good again... well, it was good until I tried to move. I just laid still and silent. I stared at the ceiling for a few hours. Those hours were the first pain free hours I had in a long time. It felt good.

They kept injecting me with strong pain killers. I just kept lying still and staring at the ceiling.
The most random thoughts would pass through my mind.

Even now, 6 days after surgery I am still taking stong drugs. I still have random thoughts. I still stare silently at the ceiling.

My thoughts cover a broad sprectrum of topics. There is no purpose or order to most of my questions.
"Hey boyfriend, why do you love me? How many men and women would be in your ideal orgy? What would you do if I were paralyzed? Would you leave me?"
I do not even ask the questions to start a discussion. Actually, I am silent after the question is answered. It is as if I do not care what the answer is. Or my mind is so drugged up that I really cannot process anything.

I ask my mom every 20 minutes what time it is. I do not do this to be annoying. I seriously forget everytime she tells me. There is a clock next to my bed, but I forget about it too.

I am also really emotional. I do not know which drug is giving me that side effect, but it is weird. I cry about almost anything. I cried because someone painted a room red on the Home Decorating channel. I was seriously moved by the bright shade of red that was on the walls.
I cry whenever anyone calls me to see how I am doing. I do not know why I cry. I do not understand why I am so emotional. I know that it has nothing to do with my period, so I really think one of the medicines I am taking is doing that to me.

I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday, and out of the blue I started crying. As he was asking me what is wrong and why am I crying I just started to laugh.

Well, they definitely are some powerful drugs!

After I take them I feel like I can do anything. Like I am invincible. Well, i feel like that until I try to sit up and realize it hurts too much. It is a sad reality check!

I am also very calm. But a scary kind of calm....

It is weird, i am staring off into the ceiling again... and I know that I am doing it, but I cannot make myself stop it. I just get this blank stare and that is it.

The random question of the minute:
Why do Mexican soap operas look a lot like Egyptian soap operas. Same hair styles, clothes, and bad acting? Why are they both so horrible?
To they train together? Do they get the same teachers?
Do Egyptians enjoy watching Mexican soap operas? Do Mexicans enjoy watching Egyptian soap operas? Would they think it is quality entertainment, or would they think that the soap operas are poorly made?

God, i cannot wait until I am off these pills!
I hate taking medicine and I rarely do. Maybe that is why these pills are fucking me up so much.

My surreal surgery...

Well, An update from the last post.
I was in excrtiating pain. It was the worst pain I had ever been in. The pain was so bad that at times it was paralyzing.
I thought bed rest would make things better, but it didn't.
After 3 days in bed i could not move.

911 was called and the ambulance had to come. i was wheeled out on a stretcher because I could not move. The ride to the hospital in the amblance was scary.. but a lot less dramatic than it looks on tv.
I was brought to the emergency room and the doctor examined me.
He decided that I needed to be hospitalized over night. The next day the neurosurgeon came in to examine me. He walked out of the room and called a surgical staff to the hospital immediately. It turned out that i needed surgery right then and there. I did not know that he was arranging for everyone to come in. Next thing I know, the anesthelogist comes in and asks me to sign the papers authorizing complete anesthesia!
Holy shit... I started to freak out.
I felt like i could not breath... I was scared.
I had never been admitted into a hospital. I never needed to be hooked up to an IV. I never had surgery!! this was uncharted scary territory!
Well, they wheeled me downstairs and the process began.
I fell asleep and then woke up. I just remember waking up and everything being blurry. my cousin was talking to me and i could barely see it was him.

After the surgery there was an immediate difference in the pain. It hurt like hell, but still less than before the surgery.
I am still at the point where I cannot do anything alone, but I am hoping that I will have a fast recovery.

I feel stupid for letting things go so far. It is scary to think that I was almost paralyzed. It is scary to think that i did not care enough to get it fixed.
I am glad this happened while I was here in the US. I have no idea how things would have turned out had this happened in Egypt.
I need to stop not reacting to things. When things hurt i need to say so, I need to handle them. sitting in pain does not make me a hero... It makes me stupid and almost paralyzed!

So, now I am at home. I am trying to recover. It is painful, but I am hopeful.....

Excruciating pain...

I am in bed now.
I am exhausted. I did not work too hard today, i did not do anything actually.
I am exhausted from the pain...

Today was one of the worst days of my life. Every breath that I take hurts me more than I can explain. Today, i felt more pain that thought possible.
More pain that I thought i could endure.

I tried to move and almost passed out.
I laugh and it hurts so much I scream out in pain.

The doctor says that these 24 hours are critical and will determine if I need surgery or not.
God i hope I don't...
I could not feel my leg for most of the day.... I am scared.
I am taking more pain medications that I can count. I think I have taken over 15 different pills today. Sadly, the pain is still unbearable.

I hope that my back is not as fucked up as I feel that it is.... I hope that things go back to normal...
I hope that I can take a breath without crying.