Saturday, December 30, 2006

Life Hurts...

With life comes death... and with death comes pain. I know this, but at times it is hard to accept this.
Today, one of the pillars of my family passed away. She was one of the things that held our family together. She was also an amazing woman.
I loved her with all my heart. She was one of the few members of my extended family that I did actually love.
I am feeling loss and pain now.
I know she was old, and I know she was sick.. and I hope she is in some better place now. Selfishly... I still wish she was here.
I cannot imagine what it will be like to not be able to visit her. To not be able to joke and laugh with her. To not be able to listen to her stories about her life, about Egypt, about my family.... 84 years worth of stories....
Allah yerhamik wa yekhfur zenoubik!
May you rest in peace!!

New Years Resolutions

I have been trying to think of what I would like the coming year to be for me...
I never had trouble picking my New Years Resolutions... I guess I just kept the same resolutions every year. This year I am facing a problem. I am not sure if that is bad or good... but I do not know what I want in 2007.
My New Years Resolutions used to be:
1. Be Happy
2. Become Independent (mainly financially)
3. Forget about everything I regret. (Accept these things and move on.)
4. Become more decisive (Know what I want and go for it most of the time. I wanted to be less of the passive wallflower type..)
5. Stop trying to be something/someone else to impress people (Stop being afraid to be myself)

These were the main things that were bothering me for years. I never made any progress in these areas. I am not sure if I was not ready to make the progress, or if I was not trying hard enough or what... Sometime in 2006 this changed. I became a lot more comfortable being me and with myself. I stopped hating myself or thinking myself unworthy.... It is a hard way to live, and I am glad I am over that. I started to like being me and to feel very comfortable in my skin. I accepted myself and I could stop pretending to be something else. I could stop altering my personality to accomodate the people around me. I guess now I donot care about accomodating the people around me.. I care about choosing the right people to be around me.
With this new found acceptance of myself I realized that I stopped regretting things I have done in life. At times I think I seriously hated myself. I was so harsh on myself because of things I chose to do 10 or 15 years ago. I guess I was my own worst critic. I tried to uphold myself to some level of perfection that was impossible. I accept that I made mistakes. I know that at the time I do anything I do not think it is wrong. I made the best decisions I could with the knowledge I had. I also realized that for a naive little girl thrown into a weird world to figure everything out alone at 16.. I did really well. I am actually proud of the fact that I am not a fuck up. Life is hard now.. and when I was 16 it was harder because I knew so much less, had seen so much less, had experienced so much less and needed so much more from people... but I managed. I did it almost all alone. And even when I think of mistakes that I have made.. I know I still did do a great job.
With this new way of thinking I let go of all my regrets in life. Regrets weigh you down and fuck you up. I am glad I got rid of them. Life is a learning process... and everybody is bound to make a mistake sometime. I just could not understand that making mistakes is actually ok. I think the way I was thinking was part the influence of Egyptian society. I love it here.... but people are so quick to judge and are so harsh in their judgements.... I guess I learned to judge myself quickly and harshly.
The next resolution was to be more decisive. I resented the fact that most of the time I did not care about what I would do. I was ok and accustomed to having little or no control on my life. making my own decisions became so hard for me. I felt very powerless. I think this made me seriously unhappy. Now I think about what I want more. Sometimes it does not matter to me. But now it is because it seriously does not make a difference to me. Not because I am afraid of choosing or saying what I want. I have become very outspoken about what I want. I am not afraid to want things and go after them anymore. This change has made me very happy. I like knowing (and getting) what I want. I like feeling that I am not being pushed into what is easier for the people around me. Everybody needs to do what will make them happy.. I learned that lesson a little late in life... but I learned it and I am living it. And I did it on my own.
The next big change in my life was to become independent... especially financially. I was scared of this. I do not know why I was so afraid of doing it on my own. I know I was scared of failing.... but the fear inside me about this was irrational. I cannot even explain it now. Now I am financially independent, ,and with financial independence comes a lot of other independence.. at least in my family they come together. I was so scared. I felt like I would fail. I did not think that I could do it... but I did and I am. I am not perfect at it yet.. but in life we learn... and I know I will get it! ;o)
So.. inevitably with all these changes came happiness. I am seriously happy now. I take things in stride. I am a person that I like and accept. I value myself now. I am totally and completely happy now. I would not want to change the road that I have taken to get to this point in my life. I know that by taking this road I have learned so much...
SO... with all this I am having trouble deciding what I want for my New Years resolutions... I might have to postpone them for a while...
but regardless...
I hope that in 2007 you are everything you would like to be. I hope that you are all as happy as you can be. My wishes for you are strength, safety, happiness, achievement, and love.
Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

A Small World....

Have you ever thought about how small this world is?
Sometimes the thought would cross my mind.. but I never really thought about it. Even when I am out with friends and people would talk about how random it is that we all know a certain person or whatever I did not see this as being very random. The number of people the same age, same interests, same social class, and same mentality is not that high. The chances of meeting eachother is very high...
But today something weird happened. I was out with a friend. We met through very random circumstances. As we are talking we realized that we both know this one person...
The weird part is:
I know this person through family relations from about 12 or 13 years ago in America.
He knows this person from school and are best friends.
I have recently been talking to this person and made plans to go on outings and trips but always had to cancel.
He was going on same outings and trips but also cancelled.
We have both been talking about this shared friend a lot in our conversations... never mentioning his name.
Then.. we realized that we were both talking about this same person...
I am sure that all of you are confused.. maybe at some point I can be more eloquent and explain better...
But now I really believe that this is a small world we live in....

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Where should I be?

I woke up this morning wondering if I am in the right place. I am happy here in Egypt. I love my life here. It feels right...
But....
Is this the best for me. Should I pack up and move back to the states? Will my future really be better there or can I do ok here?
Everybody I know seems to think that I should not be here.... They all think I am stupid for wanting to be here. I have heard a million people telling me a million times that the states is better for me...
I am just wondering.... Where should I be. Should I make my decision based on the fact that I am happy here. Am I supposed to suck it all up and be unhappy for a while for the sake of getting more money and living in a better environment? Is that what is really better for me? How am I supposed to know what I should do? Do I chance making the wrong decision and wasting time? How will I know if the choice I made is right or wrong anyway?
I really do not know how to make this decision.. and I think that I would prefer receiving no comments about this. I think this is a decision that I need to make on my own...
I hope that you all are happy where you are and that you are all in the right place!
With love and a thought-filled mind I leave you today...

Monday, December 25, 2006

Twas the night before Christmas....

This is my favorite Christmas poem...
I love reading it, always makes me smile and feel the Christmas spirit...

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!

"As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Da plane boss.. da plane!


One of my favorite random things I have seen in Egypt...

Down in Mohandessien.. As I was driving one day I saw this plane on the side of a building. It is a pretty big plane too.. About the size of the windows next to it....

I think it is hilarious...

This is one of the things that always makes me smile... ;o)

LV Original ?!?!?!?


Well....

I was at Khan el Khalili recently and I found this bag!

The store owner kept trying to convince me to buy it by telling me that I will not find another onelike it in the world... for the first time I believe a salesman at Khan el Khalili... I know I will never see a baglike this anywhere.... Mr. Louis Vuitton was not stupid enough to actually make a bag like this...

For anyone interested.. They also have the same Burberry bag...

The guy started at 250 LE.. he was chasing me down the street trying to get me to take it for 100 LE at the end...

I really just wanted a picture so I was cool... butif anyone wants a LV original just tell me! I can make it happen for you....

(For those of you who cannot see clearly.. it is a high heel.... )

;o)

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas...



Merry Christmas to you all!!

I wish I could be with my family celebrating it... but sometimes things do not work out as we hope.


I sincerely wish you all the best during this holiday season.. make it extra special and extra fun for me....




Meanwhile.. I am here in Egypt. I will make my own kind of Christmas celebration... not as good as being with my mom.. but it does come in close. Here are pictures of my Christmas tree....


I know it is ugly and lopsided.. but it is a Third Grade Christmas Tree.. and it is all it should be! My class decorated it and were so proud of it... I was going to fix it up and fix it.. but I think that would have taken away from the beauty of it!


So... this year I am in love with my lopsided, ugly, PERFECT tree!!


I hope you all are in love with yours... and I hope this Christmas is all you want it to be! Enjoy the family, friends, and fun!!


With love and a lot of Christmas spirit!!




Sunday, December 17, 2006

Brake pads....

Inside the trunk of my car are some completely worn out brake pads!
They were in pretty bad shape. Kinda scary when I saw how bad they were....
Lucky for me I changed them now.
The brake pads were seriously completely worn down! It was almost metal against metal......
I think I need to know how to take care of my car better... it is started to get scary!
Thanks Maged for helping me get that done. I owe you dinner and ice cream...

Saturday, December 16, 2006

I am COLD !!!

I have no clue why.. but today I am freezing my ass off!
I have no clue what I will do when I get to the east coast.....

I am sitting at home in front of the computer in my pajamas, jacket, gloves, and blanket..... God I am glad I live alone and noone has to see this!!!

(I hope you all got a mental image about that and are laughing now... I do not mind being the butt of your jokes today!)

Friday, December 15, 2006

Parents... the good and the bad.. and the poor little innocent children!!

I have a student in my class. When I started teaching this class I was warned about this girl by all the other teachers at the school. They told me that she was a liar, and like the Egyptian women. So, I started my first day of teaching the class a little prejudiced towards her. The smallest thing she would do would upset. I was not lenient with her.
Now I must say, she does all the things the teachers said; she lies, steals, doesn't do her homework, doesn't pay attention in class, she even started running her own little crime ring at school that spanned 3 different grades. (She handed out flyers to 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders telling them about the dish party we are having in school. She took money from these kids. Then she went and bought herself a shitload of food, candy and chocolate with this money.)
She was the one student I did not like being in my class.
Then I noticed that she was hugging and kissing me all the time. She did this with a lot of the women teachers at the school. Even the ones that she did not know. I wondered why she would hug women that she did not know. I started to hug her a bit more. To hold her when I talk to her. She really responded to this. For a short while her behavior even started to change.
Then I met her mother.... her mom does not give a shit about her. And her mom is the most important thing in her life. She wants nothing but her mom to notice her.
Seeing this brought back very painful memories of my, my brother and sister jumping through hoops trying to get the attention and love of my father. Now that I have my feet planted on the ground and I no longer jump through his hoops I was heartbroken for this child.
I know what she is going through.
Every bad behavior she has shown was something that either my sister, my brother, or I have done at some point trying to get my dads attention.
She even gets so proud of the small things that her mother does for her sometimes. The normal things that should be an everyday part of her life... but now seem so big to her. Like when she runs to me in the morning and asks if I like her hairdo... and with the biggest smile I have ever seen she tells me that her mommy did it for her. I want her to know that her mom should do it everyday.. and that her mom is a bitch!
I know I can never make this girl stop trying to get her mom's attention. but I promise that I will be there for her and make her feel like the amazing little girl that she is. I wish I could just hug her and let her not go through this shit. Not get her heart broken by a mom that doesn't care.... I hope that I can be a person that she knows cares about her. I wish I could take her and put her into the perfect world that she deserves to grow up in.
To all the parents who do not care about their children.. fuck you and fuck off!!
To all the others... hug your children now and often! Tell them you love them on a regular basis.
If you were lucky enough to feel loved by your parents tell them you love them now.
Mom, I love you and thank you.......

Third place is the best place I have been in the longest time!!!

The two most important people to a child most of the time are his mother and father. This is because they provide the child with safety, comfort, and love. I think that when you are important to a child this is one of the greatest gifts in the world. Gaining the respect/love of a child is not easy... I think children feel and understand people on a different level. They 'feel' when this person is bad. (I know this is not always true.. I am just speaking generally.)

When I feel that I am number three on a child's list of important people I feel honored, special, and like I will do anything for this child.
(Some examples of when I felt like I was number 3)!

Thursday at school was not a normal day. It was a bit more hectic and required a bit more of me than usual....

First of all, I arrive and someone has stolen something from one of my students. He is heartbroken and I promise him that I will fix it and make things better. It was nothing very big. Only his lunch and water.
The kid is worried because at that age I think school seems so long....
I cannot find his food or water so I buy him some more food and water. It was not a big deal. I think most people would do that for a hungry child.
But to this kid it was a big deal. He felt like I saved him, like I protect him.
He knows how much I love him... and he makes me feel like I am important to him.
No matter where he is in the school, or whose class he is in now. If he has any kind of problem he will run to me, tell me about it, and cry in my arms if he needs to. I always try my hardest to teach him how to solve his problems... but at the same time protect him and help him solve the problem.
The fact that this child trusts me so much and runs to me when he needs help makes me feel like I am doing something right in my life... like I am not a complete fuck up!

So, I solve the lunch crises and I send my class down for their lunch break. I am about to enjoy my leftover pizza from Fridays and a kid runs into the room crying and screaming.
He is telling me that his older brother died in the break and he is scared!
He wants me to help him. So we run downstairs and he is telling me that his brother was playing soccer and just went to sleep.
So, we run around looking for his brother. We go to the doctors, the cafeteria. soccer field. The kid is nowhere to be found. We go into the high school building. We find his class and he is not there also.
My student is crying and will not feel better until he sees his brother.
I do not know what to do.
My class has a French lesson starting now...
What happened next made me feel so special to my student...
My student told me that he knows he has class now and that I will get in trouble for taking him out. He told me that he will go back to his French class if I promise him that I will find his brother and make him better. So I promise him that I will.....
I never promise anything to a child and do not deliver. So, somehow I have to find his brother and make him better.....
After about 10 minutes of searching the school I found him in one of the other buildings. He was asleep on the doctors bed. He was convulsing in his sleep. He was out of it. I would ask him questions and he would give me the most random answers.
So, another great doctor in Egypt just gives him Panadol and lets him sleep. I am trying to explain to her that he fainted on the field and might have hit his head or something. She tells me he did not faint, he just fell asleep. heheheheheh
Does she really not understand that when someone falls asleep while they are standing guarding the goal.. it is not normal.
So, to fulfill my promise to my student I insist on waking his brother up. I know that if he fainted or hit his head he should not be asleep.
Next, the p.e. teacher somes in and gives his medical advice and is trying to get him back to sleep!
So, I wake the kid up and tell him we are gonna get out of there. I take him outside and sit with him waiting for his mom to pick him up.
Every few minutes I go into my class and tell my student that his brother is ok.

The fact that he was crying and thought his brother was dead.. but trusted me enough to run to me for help and run to me to protect his brother made me feel like I am not that bad of a person!

The parents of my student have called me and thanked me for helping their son. The older brother has thanked me so many times.
These kinds of situations are what make me love being a teacher... They have nothing to do with science, social studies, math, or English.. but they make the job so rewarding.
I love my job, my class, and being number three on their lists.....

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Doctors in Egypt

One of the stupidest things I have heard....
Last week I went to a doctor because my back was hurting me once again. I asked around for a good doctor. So, finally someone told me about this doctor who is the head of the Neourology department at Cairo University. I felt like he should be the best. He is the one teaching all the doctors out there. With blind faith I made an appointment and went. The doctor definately knew his stuff. He also explained to me what he was talking about and showed me wherre the fucked up part of my back is on the x-ray.
So.. he told me the usual stuff, don't lift anything, rest, no sudden movement, no bending, weight reduction, medicine, physical therapy...

and then.....

he said one of the stupisest things I have ever heard... !!

"try to avoid constipation"

yes....

"TRY TO AVOID CONSTIPATION"

When he said this the only thing I could think of was trying to remember a time I was seeking constipation. Who needs to TRY to avoid it.
hahahhahahahahahahahahahahah
So, I am sorry friends and loved ones. I will not be able to see you guys for a while. I am quite busy this period of my life.... I am trying my hardest to avoid constipation. I'll call ya when I succeed!
Wish me luck and easy bowel movements....
(Maybe that was too much information.... I promise this is the only post like this.. read on and abandon the fear that you will know me better than you want to!)

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas, Just like the ones I NEVER knew.....

I'm dreaming of a white christmas, just like the ones I used to know.
Where the tree tops glisten, and the children listen
to hear... sleighbells in the snow!!
(I think that is my absolute favorite Christmas carol)

Christmas is coming. This time of year always makes me homesick. I am not sure though why or what I am homesick for.... I miss the white christmas. Funny.. because i come from Southern California. Never had the white Christmas... I actually hate the cold.
But I still want it, want to be there.
I am very homesick now!
I hope I can go home for Christmas. I miss my mom and sister. I cannot believe that she is a mother of 2 now either. So.. I am wishing with all my heart that I can spend this Christmas with the 2 best mothers I know....

Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you have all that you want!

The finer things in life

Shahira and I have been having a crap week at work. Maybe we were just exhausted but for some reason this week was really hard to get through...
So, to make ourselves feel better we decided to go and pamper ourselves....
We went to La Rose Spa here in Cairo. We saw an ad for it in a magazine and it sounded great. We wanted to check it out and see if it was really that nice or if this was just another case of false advertising.
So we went Friday afternoon....
We were surprised. It is not like the spas and salons back home, but for Egypt I guess it is good. We got the manicures and pedicures. It was really nice. ;o)
Next weekend I think we will go for the massage.
I think I could get used to this....
All ladies out there.. you should definately consider joining us. It was great, and surprisingly cheap!!
Hope you all join me next weekend!

Thanksgiving

I hosted my first dinner. I hosted our Thanksgiving dinner at my house.
Luli posted some pictures, you can see them here. The post is called a very late Thanksgiving.

The guest list:
Me
Shahira (Canadian friend)
Purvi (The resident vegetarian)
Luli (The only full Egyptian)
Nisrin
Nay-Nay
Sarah

The Menu:
Turkey
Sweet potato/Yams
Mashed Potatoes
Corn on the Cob
Pasta
Gravy

The whole night was very American, except for the time.. definitely Egyptian! Dinner was planned for 7. The turkey arrived at 11 ;o((
It was definitely worth it. I cannot remember tasting Turkey that good... (not sure if I can remember tasting any turkey. My mom always made it so good it never scarred my memory.) All the food was excellent. I was impressed because all of us live alone, we do not cook much... and Thanksgiving dinner is not that easy!
But it was a great day/night.....

It was also the first time I hosted a dinner party. Actually, it was the first time for most of my friends to come to my house.... I guess my obsession with sheesha has kept me from being the social butterfly at home. I set up the table really nicely. With centerpiece and everything else. Since we were 7 girls who live alone most of our meals come in cardboard boxes and are eaten with plastic spoons. I decided to take out the nice plates and real forks and knives. It made the dinner so much better.
I think all of us were quite homesick.... it gets a lot worse during the holidays. We were just trying to feel like we were back home with our families and doing the things we have taken for granted for so long!
I love you mom and I miss holiday dinners with you!!

Thanksgiving dinner really made me think about the things I am thankful for:
I am thankful that I am started to be independent. I know I cry to my mom and sister when I think I cannot do it. But I am doing it, and I am surprising myself.
I am thankful that I have some amazing friends. Everybody has friends.... but I think I am lucky to have quite a few really good friends.
I am thankful that I am not depressed. Loving life is a great feeling.
I am thankful that I do not have any major problems.
I am thankful that I have a good relationship with my family. I love all of you guys....
I am thankful that I love my job. Work is hard... I cannot imagine how hard it would be if I hated it.

What are you thankful for?

Finally....

Well it has been forever since I have posted anything. I am still not sure if it is due to lack of anything happening, or laziness, or my shitty internet connection.
All three possibilities make me bitter....
So, I have been extremely busy at work! I never knew that teaching was a full time job. I love my class though and that makes it all ok in the end. I am convinced that I have the sweetest collection of 8 - 9 year old Egyptians. I am also convinced that everyone I work with (minus 1 Candian) suck ass! My only friend is a Canadian and I try my hardest not to hold that against her.... Seriously, the people I can tolerate at work can be counted on 1 hand!! But I sing and busy myself with my students and the day ends without me killing myself.
I taught my class about Mexico. We had an international day and I got to teach them about Mexico, Mexican food... I even had to remember some of my Spanish... I am glad that there are no Mexicans in this school. The kids would have known that my Spanish sucks a lot more than my Arabic does!
I made Mexican food for them!!! I cooked! I was proud of myself.... I made tacos, nachos, and burritos.... Some parents amde fajitas and chili... it was a great day! It tasted like the "white girl tacos" that I have grown to love and crave.
A lot of people were impressed. The American crowd at work was happy because secretly we all miss our supermarket totillas!!!
It was a fun day.
My class liked the food and think I know everything! heheheheheh It is so cute at how easily they can be impressed. They have not seen a lot in life and their horizons are so narrow. I love how you can see them broaden as these kids learn new things.

I think that teaching has changed me a lot. I have come to see the small things as being more grand. I have 22 8 year olds that I need to thank for that. I am lucky to be in their presence. I am grateful to be such a big part of their lives.