Waiting...

I sit here waiting for him to arrive. My stomach is tied in knots.


I am looking forward to seeing him. I have not seen him in a while.


I missed him, well I think I did.


Honestly though.. it was good to be away from him. It was good to not feel pressured by him during a time when I want nothing but his support. During a time when I wanted nothing but him to hold me and make me feel better...


He just called..


He made me smile.



I am worried about us. I am more worried that I feel I cannot talk to him about my worries.



I am worried about my own feelings now as much as I am worried about his. I was scared of him not wanting me.. I realized that I am even more afraid of me not wanting him. I want to want him... not because I want a man.. but because I want him.

But.. I want him to want me. I know he does... well, I do not know. I think he does. But I want to know. I want him to tell me in so many words. I want him to make me feel it. I want him to show it. I want him to not make me feel like he is not indifferent.

I know that is him and that is his way. But this is me, and this is want I want and need.

This is what will make me happy... and I decided to no longer let myself be unhappy.

Life has shown me over and over again that it will make me unhappy. That there will be many things out of my control that will make me curl into a pathetic ball and cry.. but there are things that I let make me unhappy. Things that are in my control, but I choose to not control them. I choose to accept good enough...

Well, good enough is no longer good enough.

I want more.

I will demand more. And for those who think "more" is too much for me, well, then we are not seeing things the same way.. and I will no longer share their view.

If people think this more that I demand is more than I deserve... than they do not deserve my attention.



So, I am waiting for him to arrive.. and I am waiting for him to show me what he thinks I deserve.

The ball is in his court.. and he can let me know if he deserves me or if he doesn't...



My stomach is in knots.. because I really want him to deserve me.