Breaking up....
Breaking up...
It is such a violent word. It is a word that means destruction.
That is exactly how I felt... like everything is and was destroyed. Like life was suddenly too hard to live.
Everything hurt. Breathing hurt. Crying hurt. Being alone hurt. Being with others hurt.
I missed him. Everything reminded me of him and made me miss him.
Everything still does remind me of him and makes me miss him.
This time along with missing him comes his memory. Remembering him, and the good times, the laughter, the fun times...
but the emptiness too....
The nights when I would go to sleep crying because he disappointed me once again.
The nights when I would lay awake in bed trying to understand the mean comment he made. Trying to understand why he was hurting me when he was such a "nice guy".
Trying to understand why I would rarely feel as good as I used to with him.
Trying to understand what was keeping me there....
I tried telling him about those feelings that I had. I do not know if he ever listened to me when I spoke. I do not know if he cared. I like to think that he would have... but I really do not know.
I used to tell my friends. I used to try to make sure that I was not over-reacting. I wanted to know that I was a good person and not this horrible bitch he made me feel like at times.
I had a problem understanding why I felt this way because he was "the perfect guy"... perfect guys do not make women feel unappreciated. Perfect guys to not make women cry in their beds at night.... When I would, I saw it as me being too emotional. I saw it as me being wrong...
My friends would agree with me... that he is a great guy generally... but he was not being this great guy with me at times.
I do not know why...
I do not know if it is because once you get in a relationship you just get comfortable and begin taking people for granted. I do not know if it is that people generally stop trying with the people they have.
I do not know why...
So, with his memory I wonder why I was not more vocal about not being happy all the time. I wonder when I lowered the limits to what I would accept in a relationship....
I wonder when "just ok" came to mean the same as "perfect guy".
I am not bashing him because he is my ex and I am bitter. I am just thinking about this and trying to learn from it. I am trying to see the places where I allow people to stop appreciating me. Trying to see when and how I fall into the rut of unhappiness.
I actually do not want to "bash" him. I still love him. I still want him around. I still do not understand why things are this way. I still hurt...
But, there are parts of me that are ok with this breakup. There are parts of me that can see the good of this breakup. There are parts of me that are less vulnerable and needy.
There are parts of me that are more than ok.... and I know that the rest of me will be there soon enough .
So, why did I stop holding him accountable? When did I stop holding him accountable?
Why did I not walk out when I realized that things as they were sucked.... oh wait.. that is because I saw him and "us" as being worth it. I knew that I could handle putting the effort to learn from the relationship. I was willing to make it work...
Because I did not want out when things were less than peachy....
So, I know that I loved him. I know that I still do love him.
I also know that I hurt.. and I am comforted by the fact that I do.. because it means that I am human. It means that I am able to love.
It also means that I am strong enough to lose him and be ok. I am strong enough to be fine with myself...
And that is a much better place than I have been before...
So, this is not to bash him.... this is to thank him for letting me know that I am strong and ok.
posted by Nora @ 1:27 AM
9 Comments:
[I wonder when "just ok" came to mean the same as "perfect guy"]
I've wondered about that myself several times Nora.
it's always good to keep a balanced view of the good and the bad about exes... i mean good for the soul, that way we're not hopeless wrecks and not vengeful creatures hell bent on destroying them.
Good Luck, and Call me anytime you need to talk
you sound a lot better than you did last week... it's good to see you coping that well, good to see that you are indeed stronger than you thought you were.
[I do not know if it is because once you get in a relationship you just get comfortable and begin taking people for granted. I do not know if it is that people generally stop trying with the people they have.
I do not know why...]
well it's sad but true, people do tend to ease up once they're in a stable relationship, even if you're not taking people for granted you just ease up, become comfortable with them, they become cozy rather than mysterious, home rather than a night out... and while the earlier phase of a relationship is a lot more exciting it's not sustainable, one might be able to keep a part of it, but the single mode differs from being in a relationship mode
when we're in a relationship we can either accept that or fight back... but just as there are benefits to "going out" there are some days when "staying in" is more appealing. Both have their benefits and we cannot have both at the same time.
it's good to know you're thinking calmly about it all to know how and why things went wrong...
you know, staying in a relationship when you were not happy all the time, is not a sign of weakness.. you stayed because you thought it was worth it, you did what you had to do, you did not just walk away at the first sign of problems.. a part of you may wish you had, but that very part of you would have kept nagging what if you had stayed... so ignore it...
what is done is done... you acted the way NORA would act, not anyone else, and it's good that you accept it.. hang in there, things will get better isA :)
Kareem,
I agree. I am balanced.. well most of the time anyway. And as for now I am not hell bent on destroying him..
:o)
I will call you whenever I need to talk. Thanks ya amar.
I am much better than last week.. and I am much stronger than I previously thought.
I do not know if what you said at the end is true.. It makes it seem like it has to be one or the other. I think that if people try to make each other happy than relationships can remain both. Maybe not mysterious as in "don't know the person in front of me sense" but it can still have some mystery to it...
Anyway, thanks for the comment.. and I'll call you soon.
Insomniac,
Thanks for the comment. You are right.. staying is not a weakness. Normally the weak side of me wants out when troubles arise.. I think that I was a lot stronger in this relationship and that I learned a lot. I learned how to fight for what I want...
Anyway, you are right about the voice in my head telling me I should have run away. That same voice would have driven me crazy had I left. I am happy I stayed.. and that voice is not too bad!
Well, thanks for the comment.. and I too believe that things will get better soon..
:o)
I think it's normal for people to appear as both angels and devils. People don't change, that's the lesson I learnt. It's good to always see people for what they are no matter how close/far you are.
You're right..
I try.. but sometimes I forget to see the human-ness of people...
I keep putting people on pedestals!
babes,
the sufi's have a saying that i can't get out of my head these days:
drop.
drop.
drop.
ocean.
you are stronger, more grounded, lovlier, real-er, aware-er than you were one year ago, five years ago, 10 years ago. each one of these changes are drops in Great Plan god has in store for you.
life changed your path, closed one door and opened a few others. like those choose-your-own-adventure books you and i used to read as children. the path is the adventure.
it's going to be okay. shit, it's going to be waaaaaaaaaay better than okay. it's going to fucking rock.
think about it. it already does.
xoxo,
sis
Mona,
Thanks. I like that quote.
It is all part of a master plan. You are right.
And it is not bad.. it actually does kick ass!
:o)
And it will more so when a certain short, adorable, young lady with a nice new back pack is here!!!
I am excited!
And I love you...
thank you for your candid words.
they were so comforting that I cried acceptance.
thank you for helping me feel my pain enough to hope.
tashiko
Tamara,
Thank you for the great comment. I am sorry that things are not perfect in your world these days... but trust me, things usually are much better than they seem. And generally we are much stronger than we think.
Good luck with all you're going through and if you need to talk please e-mail me....
Good luck.
Post a Comment
<< Home