On the verge...
People see me these days as different.
I try to be happy, but I am not.
I try to have fun, but I cannot.
I try to sit with people and talk, but there is always a part of my mind that is off somewhere else. It is off on its own in a dark and scary place.
I try to smile, but there is a permanent sadness in my eyes.
I am broken.
People think I am weak because they feel I cannot handle my problems.
No one really know what is going on in my life.
No one knows the scary shit I have seen recently.
No one know how my life, my happiness, and myself have been crushed and shattered.
You think I am weak. I think I am strong.
I think that I am handling shit that none of you could handle.
I think that I can handle a lot more than people give me credit for.
I think I can be dealing with some dark and scary shit and not have anyone know the magnitude of what is happening. I hide it from everyone I hide the darkest details. I try to hide how badly it has fucked my world. nd I succeed.
I do not have to be jolly. At times, I am surprised that I am alive. I have faced bad times before. Everytime things got very bad I would wonder why I am alive and whether life is worth it or not. I would wonder how a just God could put me through all of this. I would wonder why my heart had to break so many times. Never in my life hve things been as bad as they are now.
This time I am not like that. I am stronger now than I ever was.
Maybe all the shit in my life was there to help prepare me for this.
Of course this has taken its toll on me. It has taken its toll mentally, physically, and emotionally.
So.. I am not jolly. I am fucked. At best, I am dealing... and that is all I can do now.
Do not judge me because I am affected by this.
Do not judge me because you think you could handle this better than I can.
I do not care what you can do.
You are lucky enough to be a passer by. I am the one who is living this.. and i am the one who will deal with it in my own way.
If you do not like it.. just leave!
I do not need anymore bullshit in my life!
posted by Nora @ 5:57 PM
16 Comments:
Nora dear...
God said "I do not give my people more than they can take"
& surely there are some blessings in your life... I do not know what you are going through but surely if you look at the full half (or even quarter) of the cup you will feel better. You told me you are in love, & I can see you have a good relationship with your mom (it's really cute that she left you that comment) so surely there are things you can look at & thank Him for...
Easy on yourself girl... easy.
Jade,
God said he does not give them more then they can take.. Well, soewhere something wrong happened. I cannot handle this.
The problems are massive. The painand hurt are massive. Maybe someday I will tell the story.. not today, but someday.
There are good things in my life. There are many good things... but it is not enough to make life jolly.
My relationship with my mom is good.. and she has been forced to read my blog because I am horrible at e-mailing. I also never tell her the real shit so she does not worry.. but she finds some of it here. I know I am supposed to be a grown up, but I like it when she leaves me comments.
I am in love... but even that has its problems and issues.
I am trying to be easy on myself.. these problems are not easy on me.
Hi my BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS!!!
I love you and you are not horrible (maybe lazy,hehehe) OK! now that I know you don't tell me half the shit you are going through so I do not worry,HMMMMM,GUESS WHAT???? now I will worry! you know anything you are going through you can share with me.
Jade is right......go easy on yourself......I know part of what is troubling you,( I think) and this is not easy.
For now at least concentrate on yourself, here, we are still thanking God you had the surgery, had you not, you would be in a wheel chair the rest of your life.......again, I shall say this...TAKE CARE OF #1!!!! YOU< MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER!!!! LOVE YOU TONS!!!
Mom
I pray for you to find peace & comfort somewhere along the way...
But once again I tell you - God does not give more than you can take - You arent dead are you? You are talking to me here right? You are alive & kicking & writing & feeling...
What do you think about that? Dont say something wrong happened... your existance is enough to prove this theory...
Be Well dear....
This too shall pass.
Thank you both...
Well, let me first say I know where you get a lot of your great personality traits - from your mother.
I have learned the hard way throughout my life not to judge others. I accept people as they are, and maybe to a fault.
I do not want to be a passerby in your life. I want to be a participant; a friend who listens with a kind and compassionate ear.
If you want to talk justlet me know.
I am always here for you Princess Nora.
Love.
May be for once I should say something nice here :-)
I know you are strong and you will be able to overcome all your problems...everyone has problems, and from my experiences we do overcome them and they make us stronger....so hang in there and i am sure you will be fine.....
P.S. I know to you this might not seem like a solution, but try to pray and read the quaran, believe me, it helps!
nora, u must have real shit to deal with... but as jade said, it's probably something you can handle and you urself said that previous shit had prepared you for this shit....
don't worry, all shall pass.... i am telling you that while i am neck high in shit :) seriously, it will end, let it bring the best of you... and count your blessings, hang around the people who love u and whom u feel comfortable with, this will give you more strength... and like sherif said, pray... all will help isA... i speak from experience if it helps at all
Hey beautiful,
you know i have had my share of shit too - not as much as you but still quite close up there. and there are a lot of things i never talk about too.
what helps me is to follow a methodical approach to solving my problems
make two lists: one with the things that make your life crap, the things that bother you or that make you or ave made you unhappy. and one with the things that make you happy, the great things you have.
then look at each point on the list and think how you can eliminate it or minimize it's effect. So let's say your little brother is being a pest you either: move out, adopt a different attitude or reasearch other ways to work around it.
look at the list of good things and see how you maintain them and how you can maximize them and increase them.
somewhere along the way, the good list will be longer and the bad list will have minimal effects on you.
you can't change the past, but the future is all up to you.
if you need help i am there - i have taken this approach and it worked!
Hey Marian,
Thank you. I'd love to talk.. I'd love to see Mira too.
Do you want to do something this weekend? I'll call you and we can plan it.
Love you...
Oh yeah, you really do kick ass!
Sherif:
Thanks for saying something nice... now is definitely not the time for anything not nice. Thanks for thinking I am strong.. I kinda doubt it right now. I amtrying to hang in there. We'll see how it goes.
Anyway, praying and Quran sound like a good idea. Should I wonder why you would think I won't consider it a solution?
Insomniac:
Thanks for your comment. Well, real shit is kind of an understatement. Shit that I never thought I would have to deal with. It is shit that scares me to think about in general.. petrifies me to deal with it. The kind of shit so bad I would rather not talk about it.. and I like talking about shit! :o)
I do not know if I can deal with it. I mean, dealing is such a relative term. I will not die from it.. but I will never be the same. There will be a certain naiveity and innocence that will be gone, and that scares me. I a msure everything in my life has been there to help prepare me for something else, I just wonder if all the fucked up problems and shit were there to just make this hurt a little elss. Who knows...
All doesn't pass. All just becomes less presing. This shit is the kind that never goes. It comes, fucks shit up, and even the memory of it fucks shit up. It will hurt less or shock less I am sure.. but I want it to go away. I want it to never have happened.
I am trying to keep myself around people who I love. I just feel bad being such a negative presence. I like being happy and having a happy go lucky personality. And at the same time, I feel guilty for being that depressing person. Well, not guilty enough to stop. I do go out a lot amd just try keep my mind off of it. My friends have been great..
I hope that you work your shit out...
Good luck
Luli:
Yeah.. we all have our shit. but I am tired of it. Seriously, without being a drama queen.. this is too much.
It is a problem, but it does not have a solution I need to find. There is nothing I can do.. or maybe there are things I can do. But nothing will ever change the reality. Nothing will makes things better.
I will try making lists.. but it is not that kind of problem.
Thanks for being there. I am up for company and just trying to get my mind of of the shit. i do not want tot alk about it though...
So, maybe we can go out and just try to have fun....
Thanks babe!
Love you...
Nora, I thought that you were writing about me and my life. Others in my family worry about me and think I am needy and not coping well. I do not feel that I am weak, I AM STRONG! I have my career that I do very well, I have recovered from my physical injury, I continue to heal from my mental torture due to death and betrayal. I do not understand how people judge that I am not successful and I should be more thankful. I am very thankful for the gifts that I have, but I do not know who I am anymore, when I find out that others do not see me as I am and have judged me using a stranger I do not know. That is also disturbing to me. How do I heal when I fear I am disappearing?
Barb:
I am sorry to hear that things are hard. I hope it all works itself out soon.. or at least gets easier to live with.
I think the best thing would be to just not care what people think about you. I know that is eaier said than done... I hate how people view me, I really do not think I am weak. I really doubt most people could handle the shit better than I am...
But, whatever.. I have decided to not dwell on other people's opinions much!
Good luck!
nora,
i love you.
half of the hard part in dealing with this situation is that sometimes, when you're so used to dealing with shit, when shit like this happens to people you love, it's hard to deal with it, because it's shit by extension.
this is shit, but shit times two million because this shit isn't happening to you and you can't make it go away like you could if it were.
that's why it hurts more. because it hurts people you love. because your shit-eating life (hehehehe, couldn't resist, wait till i get to ''you smell like shit'') has prepared you to get over shit. but how do you get over it when it isn't yours to get over???
you can't. you just feel small, helpless, frozen and unable to help. that usually translates into rage and anger.
don't let it eat you. pray for those you love, and pray that your own heart and mind find innocence and peace once again in life.
you are all loved. i love you deeply and fiercely.
xoxo,
sis
mona:
I love you.
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