Friday, September 07, 2007

Life sometimes deals us too much shit...

I have no idea what I want to say. but I do have a head full of thoughts...

I woke up today feeling quite alone.
I think it might be because I am pms-ing and I really do not want to deal with people. I also think it might be because last night I was thinking about how I am disappointed by some of my friends. I am the kind of friend who does a lot for my friends. Maybe I do a lot of small things. but I do a lot. I always try to make things easier for people. I will spend a lot of my energy in order to save theirs for them. I care about people. I expected that my friends would have done more for me recently. Expected to feel that they give a damn a bit more. Oh well, you live and you learn I guess.

I might be thinking a lot about feeling alone because of a recent realization that my family is a lot more fucked up than average. My father does not give a damn about anyone other than himself. This is not me being dramatic.. this is me being honest. I am not going to play the "daddy's little girl" game anymore. I do not know what scares me more; realizing he does not give a damn.. or realizing that I do not give a damn. Both are horrible... and both are my reality.
Sometimes my family dynamics make me feel like I am a horrible person. At best I can tolerate my family.. at worst.. I hate them with all my heart. I do not know why that makes me feel bad. My family has done nothing to deserve more from me. I do not even know why I call them my family. I mean my father's family.

Another thing that makes me feel fucked up is my amazing guy. I am not sure I will be able to explain why he makes me feel like shit sometimes. I felt like shit last night as I was falling asleep. I was on the phone with my guy for about 2 hours before I slept last night. I was lonely and emotional and just fucked up mentally. I wanted him to be near me so badly. We disagreed about stupid things. He wanted me to stay at home because my back was killing me. I wanted to go out with him. It is a stupid topic. I have no clue how it took so long to resolve on the phone last night. I do not know whyI blamed him when he was really trying to take care of me. So, as I rested my head on my pillow and drifted to sleep I felt like shit. I felt horrible for making him bear that. I felt like shit for putting too much on his plate and expecting him to handle it. I regretted the whole phone call.

So, I am left wondering what can I do when I cannot deal with the amount of shit that I have been dealt in life? Who can I depend on if not friends, family, or my perfect guy?

6 Comments:

Blogger Jade said...

You have to learn how to be sefl sufficiant baby girl....

I think depending on others when we are feeling down is over rated.

9/09/2007 11:28 AM  
Blogger Nora said...

Jade,
How do you learn something like that? I was thinking about that too. I think for the most part I am self sufficient.. but there are times when it is too much.
So, you never feel like you need to lean on someone?
I wish I were like that. Sometimes I think that I need people too much....

9/09/2007 6:29 PM  
Blogger the lonely twin said...

you know nora, I used to need people too much but I learned that sometimes you have to learn to get through it on your own... it will make you stronger... but still, I know how some people make the pain more bearable

9/10/2007 4:24 AM  
Blogger Nora said...

I do not know. I have been thinking about it. I do not think that people are supposed to deal with shit alone. Interaction and friendships I think are human nature. I think we need them to be able to handle life.
I do not want to dump my shit on everybody, but I think that I should be able to have people who I can lean on or who I can throw ideas around with to help deal with my problems..
I do not think that boxing up and dealing with shit alone is really a good thing....

Menna,
I do agree that everything you can do on your own makes you stronger. I also agree that people sometimes make things easier to deal with.. :o)

9/11/2007 7:29 PM  
Blogger themarvandmonas said...

hi.
i' sorry but that whole self sufficient line is a crock of shit.
people need other people sometimes. being comforted by those who can help you regain optimism is not 'depending' on others... it's relying on your natural insticts as a social creature to maintain your place in a clan or a tribe.
that's how you didn't get eaten by hyenas in the old days.
:O)

dude, sweetheart, seriously, if you want to be with friends because thoughts are too hard or scary and you aren't bottling them per se you just need a hand or a shoulder, then who the fuck cares it's not being to 'dependent' and running away from a desire to be with people can actually be counter productive.

quite to the contrary, forced isolation, or excessive isolation can exacerbate feelings of depression and induce and increase suicidal tendencies.

but if you feel like being alone, damnit be alone.

don't listen to any of these yahoos, listen to your heart and your head... even if you don't know what they're trying to tell you.

i love you.

10/28/2007 7:11 AM  
Blogger Nora said...

themarvandmonas:
Yeah, I feel much better being around people. Not because I deal with shit.. but human contact is important to me.
I try to be around people when I feel like it.. and sometimes I just go out and sit alone in my bubble. It is making it a bit easier.

10/28/2007 8:18 PM  

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