Friday, September 14, 2007

Beauty...

My father's family is very much interested, controlled, and fixated on beauty.
I think that they feel if you are beautiful you are worthy.
Those who are not beautiful have no worth.
Somewhere inside their sick heads I think they feel a woman is only of value if she is pleasing to the eyes.
As sick as I think this thought is, I think it has had some effect on me. I think that I am useless on the days that I feel ugly. Those days I just wish the world would swallow me up.
On the days that I think I look good I feel like I own the world.
I need people to tell me they think I am beautiful.
Growing up with them I cannot remember them celebrating any accomplishment of mine, except maybe getting my hair done or some new makeup that makes me look good.
They think they are better than a lot of people because overall they are attractive. They are sick. They are shallow.
I had back surgery recently. 3 weeks after the surgery I could not walk or stand a lot. Regardless of this fact I packed all my shit up and jumped on a trin with 2 suitcases to get to New Jersey. I was in pain when I arrived. The next day was the day I would jump on a plane and head back to Egypt.
I wore jeans and a t-shirt for the ride. I had my hair in a ponytail. I had no makeup on.
As soon as my grandmother saw me she told me to go straighten my hair and put some makeup on. She disregarded the fact that I could barely walk because I was in pain. She wanted me to try to make myself look pretty.
Their fucked up way of thinking has fucked me up in the head and helped fuck up my self esteem!

3 Comments:

Blogger Jade said...

You are right about hem being shallow baby girl. But dont you think it is kinda true - when one is attractive they get pretty far in life & with people... & as you said - on our fat days we feel horrible & on the pretty sexy days we feel untop of the world - it is human nature!

Just dont let them get to you...

9/14/2007 6:13 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

To my Princess!!
It is up tp you to finally stop letting them screw with your mind, they are good at this! Trust me, I know!!!
You are and always were beautiful,both inside and out, just take care of you, the special person you are.
I think what you are witnessing now, is your seeing the "family" with both your eyes wide open, seeing who and what they are.
I love you as do your sister and brother. Take care0x0x0x0x0
Mom

9/14/2007 7:59 PM  
Blogger Nora said...

Jade:
I do think that it is somehow true. I do not think that it should govern relationships in families too. I also think that we get these views more from media and Hollywood and all that, it should not be from our families.

Kathy:
Thanks mom, I think you are supposed to say this though. I think that I am seeing a lot of things with open eyes and it is scary. Oh well. I guess that is growing up.

9/15/2007 4:42 PM  

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