Selfless love...

I used to wonder if I was capable of true love. I would wonder if I could really be as selfless as required to love someone truly. Saying that you love someone means that at times you put them before yourself, but that is not always easy.. is it?

Today I spoke to my dad. He had back surgery yesterday. I did think twice before I called to check up on him. As I dialed his number I remembered that when I had surgery and was in the hospital he did not call me. He did not call to check up on me when I was in terrible states of pain. He did not show that he cared. Even after remembering this I did not hang up. I did not want to pay him back for not calling by not calling him. I wanted to make sure he was ok. I put him before my wounded ego and pride. I realized that my love for him was greater than my own feelings of resentment. I thought about hanging up and letting him feel what it would be like to be ignored when he felt weak and sick. I thought about trying to make him feel neglected. I knew that I did not want to do that. Two wrongs don't make a right and I decided that I was going to be a bigger person. My relationship with my father was destroyed in the past year. I was not sure I would ever feel that I loved him again. As small as this phone call was... it reassured me that things might get somewhere closer to ok with my dad.


A few months after the "perfect guy" and I broke up we started talking again. We were trying to be friends. I was still in love with him then.. and I still am now. Anyway, we were going to go out for sushi. I was getting ready and hoping that things would go well. I was hoping that it would not be too hard for me to hang out with him and know that things are different. It is hard being with someone that you love so much and know that it is over. I was hoping that I would be able to be friends with him after all that happened... Then I get a call from him, he said he wanted to tell me something before we went out. Then he told me that there was another chick in his life and he really liked her and wanted to see where things would go. He gave me the option of bailing out on the evening... but I didn't. I managed to not start crying. It is hard knowing that someone you love has moved on. Hearing him say that hurt me so much. Hearing him say that made me wish I had a vodoo doll and believed in black magic. We went for sushi and we chatted and things went well. A few days after that he called me and was in a crappy mood. He was bitter with life and work and mainly her. He needed someone to talk to and I listened. A lot of girls would have advised him to leave her and not put up with her shit... I wish I was like most girls; instead I told him to go easy on her. I explained how he might be the cause of the problems. I tried to make him see that she was not that bad. I thought about him and what he needed to hear and I told him that. I neglected to think about how I wanted him to tell him that I loved him. I told him to think of the things he liked about her instead of the negatives he was harboring on. I told him to stop being so negative. I didn't even tell him that it was harsh of him to call me and tell me that stuff. I don't know why he came to me to talk that day, I doubt he was trying to be an asshole. I do think that he could not find anyone to listen to him at that time. Anyway, I proved that I was capable of selfless love at that moment. I respect being able to not push my own personal agenda at the expense of others or what is right...