Thursday, January 04, 2007

Random thoughts on my mind....

Warning: Another long post.. feel free not to read it... It is quite personal and somehow it is just me thinking out loud. Feel free to read it if you want too.. whatever floats your boat. But you have been warned..

A bunch of random thoughts have been on my mind. When you meet people, interact with people, talk to them and try to understand them ... you cannot help but to learn about yourself in the process.... For me it is inevitable. I am not sure what I have learned yet.. I think I still need to think a bit more to see how I really feel... And so I will think now..here...

Well... the first thing I am thinking about is whether it is worse to live life to the fullest and regret doing things on the way... or live life on the path of least resistance and regret not doing things along the way? I think that I would rather live and make mistakes... I mean I think getting over making a mistake is much easier than living a life wondering what would have happened... You have to try things... take the amazing job, live the life you want, go places you dream of, love people... These are all chances that people need to take.... Who knows where they will take you. You might even end up in a worse place and wishing that you did not do that... but at least you know what would happen on both sides... You would not imagine the grass is greener on the other side... You would know.
Maybe I just think that way because for me knowing things is easier.... I cannot deal with vague/not clear/ undecided things...... Anything clear is a lot easier for me to deal with.. i can take bad news, I can take good news.... but I have to know what kind of news it is....
Maybe that is why I need to know both sides so I can see which is better....
Maybe I am like this because I lived a long time not trying anything and living on the path of least resistance....
Who knows?
What do you think... is it better to try things and potentially regret.. or play it safe and not try these things?

Another thing I was thinking about this morning... I was just thinking about my friends. Friends are very important to me. I could not be happy in life without friends.... I am a people person.. I like to be around people. I was thinking today about my close friends. I have a lot of friends I would consider close. I have a lot of friends I can depend on. I hope all my friends can depend on me. I was thinking about each person that I consider a friend. I have no doubt in my mind that this person will not screw me over. I know that they will be there for me. I know that they would help me with a problem... To many this might not seem like a big deal... but I think here in Egypt friendships can be fickle.. and over in a short while. Friends in Egypt do screw each other over sometimes... and to get fucked by a friend does hurt. (I have had the kind who did that.. and I can remember vaguely that it hurt.... I am lucky that friendship ended) I guess I am lucky that I have no fear that my friends will be like that. I am grateful.... and sorry for those who do not feel so safe in their friendships. (Thank you everybody...)

I was also thinking about first love. I used to think that it is the most perfect thing in the world. I know that it is probably the most pure kind of love we will ever experience. I used to think that the best thing in the world would be to stay together with your first love. I know that for a couple of years I would have done anything to be with my first love. I know that he is the one ex-bf that I cannot remember the bad things about. All my memories are good. But.. I am also at some other place where I am over my love for first love. I am over him... and I know that I do not want to be with my first love forever. I want to be in a different kind of love forever.... I guess honest, and comfortable... but still trying to keep the other person. Still willing to work your ass off to make it work.. but not having to because when it is right it works with you... you have to work... but not as hard. I think that every relationship, encounter, feeling, has taught me a lot about what I want. About what would make me happy... That is why I would not want to be in my first relationship forever... because I missed all those opportunities to love and learn. I did not know what I wanted... I did not know anything. Maybe that is why it worked... Maybe that is why it was perfect then. I know it would not be perfect for me now.
Is there any such thing as a perfect love? I know there is not such thing as a universally perfect love... one that would fit everybody and make everybody happy. I know that different people want different things. But... is there a perfect love for each person? Is there the love that fits them perfectly? Or is love just great and we work to make it perfect? Or is the person just great and we mold with them and are mature enough to over look the bad? Or is the perfect love just a thing in our heads.... ignorance that we need to be able to live in this harsh world sometimes? Do we lie to ourselves to make life easier?

I also know that I have not found my perfect love yet.. I know that I will try my hardest to not settle for anything less than what is perfect for me. I am not too keen on falling in love now. I amok with waiting and looking and not looking and enjoying my life as it is. I am ok with my life not being consumed by a guy.... I like putting all my attention into me now. I know that sounds selfish or something.... but I used to put my everything into other people. I never really gave a shit about me. My feelings, wants, fears always came somewhere between 2nd and last place... but never first. The scary part is that I was ok with that. I think I just need time where at least I put myself first.... I do not need to settle for any other place. So.. I know that I am not gonna rush into everything. I will take my time and enjoy everything, every feeling, every moment, every laugh, every experience along the way. I am not in any rush to get anywhere... I am enjoying the moments! Sometimes the slow road is better....

I was also wondering about my changed feelings towards my family. I like being with them now. I miss them. I am now ok with missing something with my friends to sit with my family. I was never like that before. I will make the effort now to see them. I was just wondering if this could be because I came to terms with my childhood and I do not need to blame them anymore, is it because I am older now and somehow changed, is it because I am living alone now and I can appreciate them more, is it because I am happy now and that makes me able to like people easier? I wonder a lot about this change because for a while I hated my family.. and now I think I do not ;o) Is it because I am a lot more independent now and they do not control me anymore.. and that is what was killing our relationship? As a family I think we are quite controlling. I also think that we detest being controlled. Hm.. it makes sense to me. All of the issues and fights in my family have had something to do with control... and our deep love for each other is what kept the family together.... Maybe I am just not being controlled anymore.....

Not sure what else is on my mind... but those were the main things I am thinking about.... more later!

3 Comments:

Blogger themarvandmonas said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

2/09/2007 5:52 AM  
Blogger themarvandmonas said...

i don't know that i've ever read anything more articulate or profound as far as a thinking-out-loud-post is concerned.

i love you and am forever grateful that fate mashed our bodies and our souls together and made us live as sisters on this bouncy whirligig called existence.

i just want you to know that i do believe there is perfect love. i think that humans live their whole lives trying to emulate that spark of fulness of being that we call love, compassion, and a million other things. i am not sure that anything is perfect between two people who are inherently and necessarily imperfect, but i do know that it loving my husband has proven to be my greatest reward and my biggest challenge. in life. ever. and i believe that is how it must be. i think that in all true things, in all things extant, there must be opposition in all things, and from our greatest weaknesses, our biggest mistakes, our most heart-rending moments we will find our greatest glories, our happiest hearts, and our warmest memories.

with all my love and heart,
sis

2/09/2007 5:59 AM  
Blogger Nora said...

I love you too and I am also eternally grateful that you are my sister.
I used to believe that the perfect love existed... now I am not too sure. Maybe great love exists and we make it perfect.
I think that love is a challenge and a reward also.. and I probably would not want it if it were anything different.
Love,
N

2/09/2007 5:06 PM  

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