Pandora's box....

I am back in Alex now...
I got here yesterday. I was excited about coming here, at first. I do not know if I was excited about coming because I missed Alex, I missed my cousins, or because of wanting to hang out with friends of mine that were here.. I do not know....
But this is the first time that I have looked forward to coming to Alex since I moved away about a year ago. I hated coming here... and I was happy that this time I was excited.
Anyway.... moving on.....
Yesterday and today were great... hung out with people that I like to be with. Just spent the 2 days talking and talking and laughing and with most, remembering the good times....
But... when I got home about 2 hours ago I was going through some of the shit I left here. Things that I probably should have thrown away without going through.
It was just a box of letters and notes and memories.
A Pandora's box of bitter memories.
I went through the box... read every letter.... read every card... remembered every moment... remembered the feelings... the good and the bad.
It put me back to where I was was emotionally a few years ago... I was crippled emotionally. I was unable to love myself.... but I needed someone to love me. I looked for love.. I thought I found it a few times.... but it was not what I needed. I could never find what I needed. I am thinking that maybe I just needed to love myself.. and that the more I looked for love outside, and never found it. Never wanted it enough.. I felt like a failure. And that made it harder for me to love myself.
I think I have had issues with love for a long time. It was the one thing I think I needed more than anything.
Anyway..
I think that these memories and feelings are what made me hate coming to Alex (ok.. that and a random ex and a creepy stalker dude).. but mainly the negative feelings I was going though when Iw as here.
I know I hated moving back to the states... and I hated being there...
But today I found the good in that. (I have recently been trying to find at least one good thing in everything thathappens... my attempt to make me appreciate everything...)
I know that by moving back (out of Alex) I was able to distance myself from all these memories. I was able to get rid of the weight that there memories carried. I started a completely new phase in my lfie... with no memories. Nothing ruined it. I did nto hate living in California because of the past... I hated it because what was happening during the present, while I was there.) So.. by being forced to live in the present... I stopped choosing to live in the past. I was able to let go to the past that hurt me so much.
I think that now I am happier because I came to terms with everything in the past. I was able to love myself in this past year.. and I stopped hating myself for things in the past. I accepted myself, my present, my past.. and am looking forward to the future...
I was saying that I was able to love myself. As I was growing up I really just wanted to feel that unconditional love that children feel from their parents... I did not feel it for a long time. This was one of the things crippling me....
Anyway.. I loved myself.. and therefore stopped needing to find someone to love me. I was enough for me.... I stopped picking the completely wrong guy to love me..... I chose myself.
I think that one of the healthiest decisions I made was to stay away from finding someone to make me feel loved.
I used to try to find a person to do so... I always found the people who were in love with the image of me... in love with being the guy with the american girl.... needless to say they fucked me up emotionally.
So... I got over all that shit....
Got over picking the guys who actually did more harm than good....
Got over hating myself for being me....
And I found that I am ok....
I like being me....
I like not being controlled by guys....
I like being free of baggage....
I like not being scared of my family... being an equal amonst them.....
I like being strong enough to tell people to fuck off...

So.. back to my Pandora's box.... I read it all... Felt crippled again... but decided that I just need to remember, reflect, learn, and forgive. I do not think I need to forget.. because I learned from all of these experiences. I learned from every shit moment I lived through. I just need to let go of the scars I felt.
And I think that one of the ways of getting over it.. is by putting it out there. Putting it in front of myself and acknowledge that it is real. The feelings are real. The pain is real. And that forgiveness or moving past it is possible.
So... my first bitter memory from the Pandora's Box....
This is what I wrote to myself on one of the many days I felt that I hated my life, my family, and so many other things.....
I resented the fact that I was forced to grow up with a family that never made me feel really loved.. not in the way that I needed it from them....

Here goes:
I sit in bed and I cannot sleep. I want to sleep. Sleep is my only escape from the hell I call life. I wish it would all just end. I don't care how but all I know is that I can't live like this anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. Can I tough it out for a few more years? Can I continue pretending that I am happy and fine even though I can feel a part of me dying as every second passes? How long until I become an emotionless rock? Would that be bad? I would stop feeling this misery and that is all Iw ant. I want this misery to end! Please... anybody... I need help. Can anyone hear me? Does anybody even care? If people around me cared would things ahve gone so far?If anyone cared would I now want to die? How can everyone be so blind? Did they see and just not care? How could my father do this to me? I am a part of him and he just left me here to grow up by myself. All I am to him is a financial burden..... he does not know that he is everything to me. I only want to make him happy. I know that to him I am a financial burden.... I do not want to be an emotional one also. There are a lot of things I would have done if I wasn't scared of hurting his feelings. I wish that somebody, anybody would care about my feelings in the same way.
I wish that when people asked how I was that they would wait for an answer. I just wish that I was cared for. I have this feeling that I am not important to anyone. Is there anyone out there that could not live without me? Do I matter to anyone? Why did this happen to me? Why is my life like this? Why? Why is everyone around me lucky enough to be loved and live with their parents? How come I am shipped off to live with anybody else. Why doesn't anybody love me? What did I do wrong?
WHy is it easier for me to talk to people not related to me? WHy can't I talk honestlywith my dad? Why can't anyone make me feel needed? WHy can't my life be a little easier? Is that too much to ask for?
I spend all my time worrying baout people's feelings, trying not to upset anyone, trying to act like I am ok so that I do not burden the people around me. Who is going to do this for me? Where is the one person who willcare and think about me like that? I am miserable and ijsut want to die.
I am scared of moving out on my own and failing. Is failing worse than this? I want to find happiness. I want to lose my emotional baggage. That is the one thing that my parent's managed to give... emotional baggage. Oh yeah, they also gave me this eternal feeling of guilt. They screwed my life up and they are not here to help me now. I am alone.
Please... somebody.... anybody help me.


Well... I hated my life. I put in situations that demanded too much of me emotionally. I could not give so much. The situations, life, and people demanded too much of me. I could not deliver.
For a while things really did go downhill from there...... I became this cold person. I could remove what was left of my emotions and feelings from my thinking in a heartbeat. I could be the coldest bitch that anyone has seen.... and I could be the nicest, sweetest person ever. I guess that to become cold and distant was my defense mechanism. I thought that I would not be able to handle it.
But I surprised myself. I handled it... and I came out ok.
I learned to be easier on myself and on people.
I learned that I have people in my family who did love and made me feel it.... but at times I was blind to that.
I learned that I am stronger than I think. I learned that I can puch myself to the limit.... and in the end I won. The limits were readjusted.

I am out of this bitter palce in life. I am determined to stay a far away as possible.
I never want to go back there.... I am happy now where I am, with who I am... and with myself!
I learned that I should expect from myself only. Don't set expectations for other people. Enjoy things with them... and love them and everything... but no expectations. Expectations hurt.... people do not hurt... it is what we expect of them that fucks us up. If you expect me to lie to you and steal from you... and I do it. You will be pissed because I stole.. but you will not be surprised.. and you will not be hurt. Being pissed and hurt are 2 different things. Expectations hurt....
Expecting things from myself has forced me to know what I can and cannot do on my own. I have found that I can do a lot. I do not need anyone else to do things for me. If I get things from others that is great... if I don't I am ok.
SO.. with expectations of myself came fulfillment and respect, and with this respect I had for myself.. I found that I loved myself. I was/am proud of myself....
I am letting go of everything and anything that is holding me back.

I have come a long way......